Let's Go Shopping!

  It was Thursday July the Twenty-First. I rode up to Salt Lake City with my Mother. I was wearing a pair of cameo cargo shorts and a oversize t-shirt that is signature to my personality. I would be walking from my Mother's place of work to the nearest Trax station some Sixteen blocks away. I had someone to meet I hoped at the Pride Center.
  Why was I starting my Shopping Adventure this way? Why in clothes that screamed Metalhead and Boy? The day before the previous plans where canceled. Plans where I would have gone and bought a dress or some other outfit to change into before setting out as Alice for the first time in the world. But no, all I had was a hope another person that may possibly meet me later, would get back to me and what I had in my backpack at my side.
  Arriving at the Pride Center I ordered my Coffee and started smoking up a storm. I didn't know what I was going to do. If my friend didn't get back to me I may not go at all. For the other friend I was going to meet I had only known a couple weeks, and only on Facebook. While she is sweet I needed people I had known longer around me. After my I don't know how many cigarettes I had that morning i received a text around Eleven. It was my friend. She said she wold be out of class in twenty minutes and asked me if I still wanted her to come. My response, "HELL YES!" I finished my cigg and took my backpack into the restroom in the cafe.


   Inside my pack was my little bag of Makeup, my Breast Forms and a bra to go with them. I quickly did my makeup and put on the bra and forms. Keep in mind I was still wearing my Metalhead clothes. This didn't help my nerves. I was having extreme anxiety breakthroughs through my medication. When I came out all made up, well as best as I could be at this point. My friend was there and waiting. Talking with people she hadn't seen in a while. I went to go and have one last cigg and we hit the road to Fashion Place Mall!
  Arriving at the Mall I called my friend who lived nearby and told her we were there. She said they would be there shortly. Meanwhile my other friend said she had been to this mall before and there was a store that would be perfect to hit first. We waited a while for my other friends but it took a bit of time for them to get ready so we headed into the mall to find this store.
  Entering through Dillards we found ourselves in the Mall proper and didn't have to walk far before my friend spotted the store we were looking for. Torrids it was called. It had style it had class and it had clothes for big girls like me LOL!

   Immediately upon entering the store the clerks where helpful and understanding! My friend explained that we were there to get me some clothes so I could start dressing as me. I explained I am no sure all about my sizes. She looked at me and said that won't be a problem we can handle that too. Now lets find you things you would like to try on! We started at the front of the store and worked our way back. Trying to figure out my style so I could get a couple outfits together.
  As we went my other friends showed up and gave critiques on what may or may not look good on me. The clerk occasionally would call me He or Sir as well though it was not out of animosity. She quickly apologized and said I have some friends who are FtM and I am trying to adjust my terminology the other way I'm sorry. I shrugged and told her I understood and smiled. Finally with a pile of clothes in hand she shoved me into my own dressing room and wrote Alice on the board of its door! She said I will be back to check and we want to see you in full outfits!
  As I closed the door one of the most wonderful experiences in shopping of my life began! As my friends chatted outside, I picked at the clothes from the stores racks we had pulled of for me. I'd come out and my friends would give me a yea or a nay. Sometimes I'd come out and other groups would be there as well. Chatting away with my group giving advice as a horde to anyone that came out of the dressing room. And while I saw a few little smiles twitch from some of those others their advice was genuine. Weather it was in words or a head nod or two.
  Finally I decided on a couple outfits and managed to get some shoes as well. A pair of wedges. Leaving the Mall I went to my friends and changed into one of them. For we had our Adult Transgender Group that evening and this was my first time going as me as Alice in full! It felt Wonderful! I was ALIVE! At last I have emerged. I am Alice! These are my Journey's And They Are Only Gaining Momentum! Till Next Time.....HANG ON!

The Forgotten Birthday Cake

  A few days ago it was July 1st, my Birthday. We had arrived on the 30th with my Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother at Ridgway State Park in Colorado. We all wanted to just get unpacked and have a day before the reunion to relax. A couple of Cousins and another Uncle and Aunt where coming separately the next day.
   Waking up to a booming heatwave that sizzled the mosquitoes as they bit you. My grandmother knocked on our trailer door and through me a bag of gummy bears and said Happy Birthday. Showering at a buck for four minutes and quickly getting dressed I found my Mother wished to go into town. I wanted to go with her I wished for more smokes. I had nearly two packs but knowing my family they wouldn't last the whole reunion. I had already smoked a whole pack in the time we had already been there!
 Arriving in the City of Montrose we found a City Market and started gathering our supplies. My mother let me choose a Birthday Cake. It was chocolate and she had the lady write Happy Birthday Corey on the top. I figured let Corey go out with a bang and have one more Birthday. At the check out my cousin surprised my mother she had just entered town and bought as much beer as her cooler could hold. We met up with her again at the campground.
   My cousin was already tipsy when we got back it was pretty evident. She continued to drink throughout the day. When approached by her Mother or Father or Husband her excuse, " I'm on Vacation!" Looking after her became the number one priority. While it was entertaining at first, it quickly became clear she was on her way to liver failure. As evening settled in and sobriety went out the window. My cousin began to say things she wouldn't of in a right frame of mind.
  It started with her getting up for another beer, if that is the right term. Probably lurched is more accurately a description. Instead of going around she tried to go through me and my chair! Grabbing another beer and stating again when confronted she is on Vacation. She again tried to come back through me and the chair. Managing to do so she than started punching me in the shoulder and elsewhere before settling back in her own seat to drink. When they told her to stop doing that to me she said, "It's Corey he can take it, he's use to it!" My family grew suddenly silent. The Birthday Cake remained forgotten the remainder of the reunion.
  The next day of course my cousin remembered nothing. We all showered and headed to the pavilion where we would all gather to catch up on two years of being apart. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged and the exchanging of the last two years of history began.
  Of course my Aunts, and Uncles, Cousins and even occasionally my own Mother couldn't resist putting in a few jabs and jests at my expense. Knowing full well I wouldn't retaliate in front of Grandmother, however even she sparked off once or twice. I held my ground and kept silent. I kept saying to myself, "This isn't the Time or Place for this." After all they were just showing off in front of their own Aunts their own Uncles and their own Cousins. Though I saw a few Great Aunts shake their heads at such treatment and other relatives look and meet my eye but kept silent. They knew and I knew and for those moments it helped keep me strong. Because I knew I wasn't the only one aware of how I was being treated. Its sad though that everyone pretty much was aware of it. Whats even sadder is my side of the family completely oblivious to the other sides reactions.
  July 3rd started like the others. we showered and headed to the pavilion. We held the family auction where everyone brings something and then bids to help pay for the next reunion. After that and lunch we continued to play catch up. It was in a game of Washers that it all came crashing down on EVERYONE!
  I was not familiar with why my partner and I continued to drop down in points, and was trying to clarify. Of course no one in my family was letting me communicate that and kept interrupting me. My Cousin playing another game of Washers next to us took that to another level. She became rude and ridiculed me on the spot, and even snarled at me about it. As she went back to her game I flipped her off and finally clarified the rules with the people I was playing with. I said thank you that was what I was trying to understand before my Cousin became a BITCH! Her mother my AUNT said from across the way that was unnecessary and others in my family did do. My large extended family either chuckled or went uh oh. My cousins back stiffened, but she through her washers on the board for points for a bit anyways. After a couple minutes she stalked off. I was playing Washers with her brother my other cousin. and I apologized about my comment to him. He was like his father and tried to treat me with respect. He said it was okay it was probably the liquid courage in my hand. I did have a beer after all. It was a minute or so after that SHE came stalking back red-eyed beer in hand.
  Now if you read my previous Blogs on my family; you know a little bit about how they have treated me; you also know that I have started standing up for myself and trying to break the pattern they have set for the last 30 years. SHE came back trying to establish that pattern once more. Corey, she said, Do I get an apology she DEMANDED! I turned to her with my own beer in hand and said NO. There will be no apology. In my head I thought I would not say I am sorry for something I wasn't and then clutch my Grandmother's skirts the rest of the reunion. I was no longer the meek person they knew before. She SCREAMED and shouted Learn to take a FUCKING joke! I told her that wasn't a joke and I made the mistake of bringing my Aunt into it saying, Your mother does similar things only calls it LOVE. She yelled at me about that. I EXPLODED! My calm exterior vanished. Especially when My mothers brother MY Uncle came over and started tugging on my arm. This was familiar to me too.
   I was use to him in the past dragging me away to talk so I wouldn't cause a scene anymore than I already had. I wouldn't be submissive this time though. I turned on his ASS! I yelled Uncle if you think you are out of this your dead wrong! I have somethings to say to you too! My only regret is my other Uncle isn't here because He also has somethings coming to him! And because I was in the parking lot by now and he was trying to calm me down I screamed even louder and I had The WHOLE freaking family's attention. I AM FUCKING TIRED OF THIS EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE! 30 YEARS OF NOTHING BUT FROM ALL OF YOU! YOU ALL DRAGGED ME DOWN CONTINUOUSLY FOR YOUR FUCKING JOLLY'S! AND YOU LEARNED IT FROM YOUR OWN AUNTS AND UNCLES!
   My Uncle however wasn't trying to subdue me. He wanted to be a outlet. All he said and he said loud enough for everyone to hear. I KNOW COREY AND YOUR RIGHT. Now lets go away from them and talk. And Talk we did.
  He was serious. A side of him I had never seen before emerged in our discussions. We talked about my Childhood up to now from my perspective and his. He validated everything I said out loud to everyone and what I said to him. What he didn't entirely agree with we talked it out. A few years ago he wouldn't have. He would have been just like the rest of my family. He told me things about himself currant things.
  He has left the Church. for many reasons most of them personal. However one of them being he no longer believes the way they do when it comes to Gender Identity and Orientation. One of his Mission companions from before I was even born came out Gay 5 years ago and My Uncle has been very close friends with him ever since their Mission. Knowing his friend and knowing the church he made his choice.
  I asked him if he saw my Facebook status around New Years. He said he did. I told him I didn't care what the family thinks for that matter I don't even know because no one will tell me. He than asked me what I am doing about being Transgender. I told him I am on Hormones and taking the rest step by step. He said Corey you should care or at least have a understanding with the family about this. As for me I will tell you what I think. I will be supportive. I've known you and will always know you no matter how you change and grow. It will be hard but we'll get through it.
  And while he hasn't openly supported me in front of family. I consider this a true supportive Family member. For he was honest in everything from the beginning. He even outshone my Grandmother in this respect. He told me the only thing he disapproves of my currant life style is my tongue ring and my smoking.
  Anyhow this was my Summer Vacation in my Journey's. Till Next Time Be True To Yourself.