Let's Go Shopping!

  It was Thursday July the Twenty-First. I rode up to Salt Lake City with my Mother. I was wearing a pair of cameo cargo shorts and a oversize t-shirt that is signature to my personality. I would be walking from my Mother's place of work to the nearest Trax station some Sixteen blocks away. I had someone to meet I hoped at the Pride Center.
  Why was I starting my Shopping Adventure this way? Why in clothes that screamed Metalhead and Boy? The day before the previous plans where canceled. Plans where I would have gone and bought a dress or some other outfit to change into before setting out as Alice for the first time in the world. But no, all I had was a hope another person that may possibly meet me later, would get back to me and what I had in my backpack at my side.
  Arriving at the Pride Center I ordered my Coffee and started smoking up a storm. I didn't know what I was going to do. If my friend didn't get back to me I may not go at all. For the other friend I was going to meet I had only known a couple weeks, and only on Facebook. While she is sweet I needed people I had known longer around me. After my I don't know how many cigarettes I had that morning i received a text around Eleven. It was my friend. She said she wold be out of class in twenty minutes and asked me if I still wanted her to come. My response, "HELL YES!" I finished my cigg and took my backpack into the restroom in the cafe.


   Inside my pack was my little bag of Makeup, my Breast Forms and a bra to go with them. I quickly did my makeup and put on the bra and forms. Keep in mind I was still wearing my Metalhead clothes. This didn't help my nerves. I was having extreme anxiety breakthroughs through my medication. When I came out all made up, well as best as I could be at this point. My friend was there and waiting. Talking with people she hadn't seen in a while. I went to go and have one last cigg and we hit the road to Fashion Place Mall!
  Arriving at the Mall I called my friend who lived nearby and told her we were there. She said they would be there shortly. Meanwhile my other friend said she had been to this mall before and there was a store that would be perfect to hit first. We waited a while for my other friends but it took a bit of time for them to get ready so we headed into the mall to find this store.
  Entering through Dillards we found ourselves in the Mall proper and didn't have to walk far before my friend spotted the store we were looking for. Torrids it was called. It had style it had class and it had clothes for big girls like me LOL!

   Immediately upon entering the store the clerks where helpful and understanding! My friend explained that we were there to get me some clothes so I could start dressing as me. I explained I am no sure all about my sizes. She looked at me and said that won't be a problem we can handle that too. Now lets find you things you would like to try on! We started at the front of the store and worked our way back. Trying to figure out my style so I could get a couple outfits together.
  As we went my other friends showed up and gave critiques on what may or may not look good on me. The clerk occasionally would call me He or Sir as well though it was not out of animosity. She quickly apologized and said I have some friends who are FtM and I am trying to adjust my terminology the other way I'm sorry. I shrugged and told her I understood and smiled. Finally with a pile of clothes in hand she shoved me into my own dressing room and wrote Alice on the board of its door! She said I will be back to check and we want to see you in full outfits!
  As I closed the door one of the most wonderful experiences in shopping of my life began! As my friends chatted outside, I picked at the clothes from the stores racks we had pulled of for me. I'd come out and my friends would give me a yea or a nay. Sometimes I'd come out and other groups would be there as well. Chatting away with my group giving advice as a horde to anyone that came out of the dressing room. And while I saw a few little smiles twitch from some of those others their advice was genuine. Weather it was in words or a head nod or two.
  Finally I decided on a couple outfits and managed to get some shoes as well. A pair of wedges. Leaving the Mall I went to my friends and changed into one of them. For we had our Adult Transgender Group that evening and this was my first time going as me as Alice in full! It felt Wonderful! I was ALIVE! At last I have emerged. I am Alice! These are my Journey's And They Are Only Gaining Momentum! Till Next Time.....HANG ON!

The Forgotten Birthday Cake

  A few days ago it was July 1st, my Birthday. We had arrived on the 30th with my Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother at Ridgway State Park in Colorado. We all wanted to just get unpacked and have a day before the reunion to relax. A couple of Cousins and another Uncle and Aunt where coming separately the next day.
   Waking up to a booming heatwave that sizzled the mosquitoes as they bit you. My grandmother knocked on our trailer door and through me a bag of gummy bears and said Happy Birthday. Showering at a buck for four minutes and quickly getting dressed I found my Mother wished to go into town. I wanted to go with her I wished for more smokes. I had nearly two packs but knowing my family they wouldn't last the whole reunion. I had already smoked a whole pack in the time we had already been there!
 Arriving in the City of Montrose we found a City Market and started gathering our supplies. My mother let me choose a Birthday Cake. It was chocolate and she had the lady write Happy Birthday Corey on the top. I figured let Corey go out with a bang and have one more Birthday. At the check out my cousin surprised my mother she had just entered town and bought as much beer as her cooler could hold. We met up with her again at the campground.
   My cousin was already tipsy when we got back it was pretty evident. She continued to drink throughout the day. When approached by her Mother or Father or Husband her excuse, " I'm on Vacation!" Looking after her became the number one priority. While it was entertaining at first, it quickly became clear she was on her way to liver failure. As evening settled in and sobriety went out the window. My cousin began to say things she wouldn't of in a right frame of mind.
  It started with her getting up for another beer, if that is the right term. Probably lurched is more accurately a description. Instead of going around she tried to go through me and my chair! Grabbing another beer and stating again when confronted she is on Vacation. She again tried to come back through me and the chair. Managing to do so she than started punching me in the shoulder and elsewhere before settling back in her own seat to drink. When they told her to stop doing that to me she said, "It's Corey he can take it, he's use to it!" My family grew suddenly silent. The Birthday Cake remained forgotten the remainder of the reunion.
  The next day of course my cousin remembered nothing. We all showered and headed to the pavilion where we would all gather to catch up on two years of being apart. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged and the exchanging of the last two years of history began.
  Of course my Aunts, and Uncles, Cousins and even occasionally my own Mother couldn't resist putting in a few jabs and jests at my expense. Knowing full well I wouldn't retaliate in front of Grandmother, however even she sparked off once or twice. I held my ground and kept silent. I kept saying to myself, "This isn't the Time or Place for this." After all they were just showing off in front of their own Aunts their own Uncles and their own Cousins. Though I saw a few Great Aunts shake their heads at such treatment and other relatives look and meet my eye but kept silent. They knew and I knew and for those moments it helped keep me strong. Because I knew I wasn't the only one aware of how I was being treated. Its sad though that everyone pretty much was aware of it. Whats even sadder is my side of the family completely oblivious to the other sides reactions.
  July 3rd started like the others. we showered and headed to the pavilion. We held the family auction where everyone brings something and then bids to help pay for the next reunion. After that and lunch we continued to play catch up. It was in a game of Washers that it all came crashing down on EVERYONE!
  I was not familiar with why my partner and I continued to drop down in points, and was trying to clarify. Of course no one in my family was letting me communicate that and kept interrupting me. My Cousin playing another game of Washers next to us took that to another level. She became rude and ridiculed me on the spot, and even snarled at me about it. As she went back to her game I flipped her off and finally clarified the rules with the people I was playing with. I said thank you that was what I was trying to understand before my Cousin became a BITCH! Her mother my AUNT said from across the way that was unnecessary and others in my family did do. My large extended family either chuckled or went uh oh. My cousins back stiffened, but she through her washers on the board for points for a bit anyways. After a couple minutes she stalked off. I was playing Washers with her brother my other cousin. and I apologized about my comment to him. He was like his father and tried to treat me with respect. He said it was okay it was probably the liquid courage in my hand. I did have a beer after all. It was a minute or so after that SHE came stalking back red-eyed beer in hand.
  Now if you read my previous Blogs on my family; you know a little bit about how they have treated me; you also know that I have started standing up for myself and trying to break the pattern they have set for the last 30 years. SHE came back trying to establish that pattern once more. Corey, she said, Do I get an apology she DEMANDED! I turned to her with my own beer in hand and said NO. There will be no apology. In my head I thought I would not say I am sorry for something I wasn't and then clutch my Grandmother's skirts the rest of the reunion. I was no longer the meek person they knew before. She SCREAMED and shouted Learn to take a FUCKING joke! I told her that wasn't a joke and I made the mistake of bringing my Aunt into it saying, Your mother does similar things only calls it LOVE. She yelled at me about that. I EXPLODED! My calm exterior vanished. Especially when My mothers brother MY Uncle came over and started tugging on my arm. This was familiar to me too.
   I was use to him in the past dragging me away to talk so I wouldn't cause a scene anymore than I already had. I wouldn't be submissive this time though. I turned on his ASS! I yelled Uncle if you think you are out of this your dead wrong! I have somethings to say to you too! My only regret is my other Uncle isn't here because He also has somethings coming to him! And because I was in the parking lot by now and he was trying to calm me down I screamed even louder and I had The WHOLE freaking family's attention. I AM FUCKING TIRED OF THIS EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE! 30 YEARS OF NOTHING BUT FROM ALL OF YOU! YOU ALL DRAGGED ME DOWN CONTINUOUSLY FOR YOUR FUCKING JOLLY'S! AND YOU LEARNED IT FROM YOUR OWN AUNTS AND UNCLES!
   My Uncle however wasn't trying to subdue me. He wanted to be a outlet. All he said and he said loud enough for everyone to hear. I KNOW COREY AND YOUR RIGHT. Now lets go away from them and talk. And Talk we did.
  He was serious. A side of him I had never seen before emerged in our discussions. We talked about my Childhood up to now from my perspective and his. He validated everything I said out loud to everyone and what I said to him. What he didn't entirely agree with we talked it out. A few years ago he wouldn't have. He would have been just like the rest of my family. He told me things about himself currant things.
  He has left the Church. for many reasons most of them personal. However one of them being he no longer believes the way they do when it comes to Gender Identity and Orientation. One of his Mission companions from before I was even born came out Gay 5 years ago and My Uncle has been very close friends with him ever since their Mission. Knowing his friend and knowing the church he made his choice.
  I asked him if he saw my Facebook status around New Years. He said he did. I told him I didn't care what the family thinks for that matter I don't even know because no one will tell me. He than asked me what I am doing about being Transgender. I told him I am on Hormones and taking the rest step by step. He said Corey you should care or at least have a understanding with the family about this. As for me I will tell you what I think. I will be supportive. I've known you and will always know you no matter how you change and grow. It will be hard but we'll get through it.
  And while he hasn't openly supported me in front of family. I consider this a true supportive Family member. For he was honest in everything from the beginning. He even outshone my Grandmother in this respect. He told me the only thing he disapproves of my currant life style is my tongue ring and my smoking.
  Anyhow this was my Summer Vacation in my Journey's. Till Next Time Be True To Yourself.

I SCREAMED! I SHOUTED! The Walls Came Tumbling Down.

  All my life there have been impenetrable walls like dark abysses containing parts of myself on the other side within me.  I could feel them there. I just didn't have access to them. I thought it was because of my disabilities either learning or otherwise. I was wrong. These walls preventing so much in my life.
   Imagine standing at the end of a incomplete bridge over a massive ravine. Everyone else has completed theirs and is on the other side already. You try to talk or shout, but only bits and pieces of what you are trying to say make it across. Imagine you are a 100,000 piece puzzle, but a few pieces are missing or they never came in the box. Though from a distance you look whole. These are but a couple of examples of how I felt and still It falls short.
  The walls prevented me from being social for I was very shy. I never made friends easily, and at times I didn't want to interact with the ones I had. Speaking and communicating with others was difficult. For what I had to say in my head was perfect. However what came out of my mouth was jumbled and at times incoherent. My family taunted me, and my peers made fun of me. It was a disability only in that I saw it that way. Years of stigmas of society and family telling me I can't or shouldn't and to not do this or that. Top it off with the Emotional and Mental abuse I  suffered at the hands of my family and I shut out others and most especially myself.
  It wasn't until last year that I was standing at a crossroads of identity. Shall I choose a Life in the Church or do I Transition to become a Woman that the first wall crumbled. I choose to Transition.

  It was that one choice that crumbled the first wall. It was a thinner wall than some of the others. Yet all were a dark abyss. I didn't even notice it was down at first. I just told my therapist at my school I was going to try and find a support group for people that are Transgender. I suddenly found myself more social with my peers. I was laughing more I was more focused. I was even coherent and understood at times! But it was still just a small part of me. When I attended the meeting the first time another wall tumbled and crumbled down and more of me was added to the whole! WOW!
  Since then with each choice I've made more walls have crumbled! I am a different person than I was last Summer. I have more access to my total self than ever before in my Life. Only a couple Wall's remain perhaps three or four but no more than that.
   One such Wall is approaching me soon. I know its time to crumble even! July Twenty-First It will fall and it is a big wall. It is the date I will manifest as Alice physically for the first time! I know this as well about that date. I will be a different person when that wall crumbles and falls. Some large part of me is over there waiting to be added to the whole. I can feel it. I know it. Looking back with hind sight I am a changed person I am no longer Corey at all. This is the last hurdle to being fully myself as Alice and truth be told. I'm scared. I'm excited. I CAN'T WAIT!



   These Are My Journey's, And I'm Taking Them Brick By Brick! Till Next Time Don't Be Afraid To Confront Your Own Walls!

By The Way Mother Nature Says Hi!

  UGH! Again just when I thought certain things were never going to hit me in my Transition. WAM! They come upon me in INTENSITY! This time it was like a sledgehammer right in the abdomen, and as the pain dissipated to a ache. A corkscrew grabbed a hold of my muscles and tissue and twisted them continuously. I am talking about none other than CRAMPS!
  At first I didn't recognize them for what they were. How could I really? I never had them, and they weren't so bad to begin with. It wasn't till I was talking to a friend and She confirmed that that's what they were; and I opened my big mouth and repeated, they ain't hurting too bad. WAM! UGH! They proved me wrong.
 The same friend suggested I take Naproxen to help relive them. Unfortunately everybody's body is different. Mine didn't like the idea of that particular medication and rejected it. So the pain and cramping persisted. Still does! I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight LOL!
 My friends have tried to help me throughout the day, and I appreciated all their suggestions and help. However I just wanted to sit in my chair and hug my pillow. I really didn't and still don't want to do a thing. A nice hot shower sounds nice, but I don't want to make the EFFORT! I just want to continue to hug my pillow.
     Emotionally, I don't want to get into that. I am a wreck! Crying, frustrated, bitchy, and want to drive a truck through a wall!
  So Mother Nature has decided to start visiting me every month for FIVE to SEVEN days. I've already made a mental note of the date in my head. It isn't something I am likely to forget! Even if I am only getting just the CRAMPS shes made herself very clear. Your on your way ALICE, and this is just one of the reminder's of who you are!
  These are my UGH Journey's. Till next time......lets just leave it there for now.

In The Flesh! If you Please!

  So I felt inspired as I thought about past coming out conversations, to Blog about certain peoples reactions and sometimes STUPID or ABSURD comments LOL! Because lets face it we have heard them. I heard one once that went, in my opinion, beyond ridiculous.

  I was in the common room at my school, we called it the Gathering Area, and some friends were asking me about being Transgender. I didn't mind it being so public, after all I was OUT now. A "Know it All" at least he thinks he knows it all. Heard it and became shocked, amazed, and then curious about who I was! He started using outdated terminology. I corrected him, and told him the reasons behind it. He still used it, and when I and some of my friends confronted him. He stated that they were correct forms of description. I said read another book and you'll find out your wrong LOL! He has a hard time admitting he is wrong. Anyhow, he asked me about my brain and body etc etc etc. How it all fit in with what I was doing to myself. Now here's the KICKER LMAO! He actually made the suggestion of putting my brain in a ROBOTIC female body! That it was now possible. I now pause for your convulsive laughter to get under control.
  What would make him and people like him think that a robotic body would be the answer? That a metal machine full of motherboards,wires, and networks would be a sufficient replacement for flesh. For loosing a limb, helping people walk, maybe repair a damaged nervous system sure. But for Transgender in TRANSITION that is way too EXTREME in my belief. It is leaving a large part of you behind and isn't helping anything. Sigh.....
  Here I am raving about something that is so absurd and still FAR off lol. Becuase this guy prob read it in a SCFI magazine lol, or he read a part of what they doing in robotics and assumed beyond LMAO! Anyways this is one such instance where people have BOGGLED me with their stupidity.
  Till next time These are my Silly Journey's. Enjoy your own Wacky Adventures!

Visibly United

  Visibly United is a Group of People in the LGBTQ Community. Our Mission is to be a Visible but Peaceful Force in Declaration of our Equal Rights and in Support of one another. To become a stronger Community through Friendship. United We Are Visible!
  It's only been a couple days since we founded that group. Already new FRIENDS have been made. Already people are committed to making this work! I have a new purpose, a new motivation. I want to see this go somewhere! For us to succeed with the mission.
  The MISSION. There is so much more of it, at least the way I see it, than what is put down in the statement. Segregation isn't the answer INTEGRATION IS! I want it to go from yours and mine, to OURS! Not separate communities but one. Where at least we are all cordial to one another even if beliefs still clash. And they will cuse hey this is AMERICA!
  How do I see us doing this? By participating in things that affect us and them. Because hey we are still human too right. We aren't immune to disease or tragedy in our lives. I was thinking Cancer runs, and other awareness events. TOGETHER in our Visibly United T-shirts LOL!
  FRIENDSHIP! I want to get back to this. Utah has a unique LGBTQ community. We are a stronger network then most other states! I want to do OUTINGS as a group. Weather its Camp outs, picnics, hiking, "Tat parties lol", whatever it may be! I want to continue for us to be strong TOGETHER! This is what being Visibly Untied means.
 Perhaps as we integrate more and more into mainstream society we can achieve what we want most. Meanwhile we are here. We are Visible! We are UNITED!
Till next time.....Enjoy each others company!

A Letter To My Family: You've Hurt Me!

Dear Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Mother, and Grandmother,
     You've Hurt Me. Throughout the years since I was little. The minute nay the second you realized I was different from your own children. You've Hurt Me. With no Father to protect me from your cruelty and a weak Mother there was no one there for me, but Grandmother. Even Grandmother would do nothing to stop your snide remarks your cruel misgivings. She didn't want to upset the delicate balance of the Family which was and still is on the verge of being torn asunder.
  What Learning Disabilities, or any other Disabilities for that matter, were only made worse by your treatment. It is no wonder that Depression was aloud to set in at such a early age. As these Disabilities which were closely tied in with my Gender Identity took over my life and held me back.
  Held me back! In everything I wished and wanted to do! From sports, to arts, to school, and anything else I tried to set my mind to. The Depression you helped instill in my mind told me NO! With your voices behind it. Your voices that have always taunted me since and said No and I can't from the beginning. I tried to do these things to please you! If you can believe it? I wanted your smiles, your approval! I never received it. I was never encouraged. Grandmother tried and Mother liked what I did occasionally even a Uncle would once in a while say that was good., but it was never enough to lift me out of that Depression. Never enough to get though the Snide comments that would follow from the rest of you!
  Years have passed and I am now an Adult. You still continued, and I remained Depressed and held back. Then I woke up! I couldn't take it anymore not when I realized cousins who were younger than I were starting to do the same as you! Following your example.
  I had already started to shake off your yoke at this point. Finding my OWN music, my OWN clothes, my OWN hairstyle, and making my OWN decisions. So I had a confrontation with a Uncle who called me DIRT to my face and walked back into his house and lied to the rest of the family about it. Not even You Grandmother believed me, and when you finally did you made excuses for him.
  At another Family gathering after much time had passed between such cruelty. You all did it again while Grandmother wasn't there. For you had stopped doing it while she was around. I came to several revelations at this point. I had grown up. You all never will. And the other This Family is no longer for me. I can't remain within it and continue taking this.
  A few months later I made a life changing decision and started HRT to become a Woman. No to become the Woman I always was. The Depression I always had lifted from the first dose. I was free. Free of everything but of you. You all still hang over my head. And I began to wonder why? I realize now why.
  I am a victim of Emotional and Mental Abuse. My whole life I have suffered through it. I have always read about and seen Victims on the Television, but never thought I was one of them. I never thought I could be or would be! Instead of harboring more hate and harsh feelings towards you for this revelation. I realize you don't know you've done it or are doing it, and you never will.
  I'm leaving you now. I found a new family. They lift me up and don't throw me down. They encourage me, and don't become snide. They support me ALWAYS! I do the same for them.

                                                                           Signed, Alice Wright