Conflictions of Ravenfeather

  So I have this story I wrote sometime back. Its posted in a previous blog. I've since then added too it. Here is a Fictional Journey about being Trans. Though some of it only applies to me. Enjoy!
                    
                                                 PART ONE                     CONFLICTIONS

    Ravenfeather knew he was different from the day he learned to speak and understand. He was not like the other young Braves in his village upon the prairie. He would look at the Maiden Squaws his age and want to play with them. “No, no Ravenfeather. That play is not for you,” his Mother would speak up, and turn him towards the young Braves wrestling in the dirt and mud. “Go and join them in their fun. Play.”
    “That boy is a problem,” his Grandmother would say from her stool waving her walking stick about, as Ravenfeather went off in the direction his Mother pushed him. “He will amount to nothing if he keeps up this behavior. The gods will frown upon him, our family, and perhaps even our people.” She spoke with the family authority.
    “He will do us proud one day my Husband’s Mother. I feel it in my heart and soul.”  He heard his Mother say as he walked away. These games the boys played were not for him, so Ravenfeather went and sat as he always did, never joining in with the other young Braves. However he could still hear his Mother and Grandmother speak above the roughhousing. “Just watch his dreams will be fulfilled, and he will do it helping the family and the Village.” She said as she continued to watch her son’s lack of participation with friends he obviously did not have. While his Grandmother just let out a harrumph!
    “That will be the day, and I doubt I will live to see it!” Ravenfeather retreated into his thoughts. His Grandmother and in fact most of his family were not very supportive or kind to him with the exception of his mother. Snide and cruel replaced kindness and understanding, and when confronted it was called love, and left at that. His mother protected him as best she could, but even her comforts couldn’t protect him from the turmoil within.
    Anxiety and fear ruled him, as his family and village tried to push him into a life role he knew he wasn’t meant for. “The Gods,” they would say, “know all and are perfect, and wouldn’t put you in a position that you weren’t suited for.” If they only truly knew how this made him feel. To be stuck one way, for Eternity.
    “Hey, Ravenfeather, get in here!” Two strong hands, followed by many others pulled Ravenfeather off his feet and into the fighting ring. This wasn’t the first time. He had the aches and bruises to prove it. “It’s your turn to fight!” Spoke up a massively built youth who, unbelievably was his age of twelve Summers.  From the corner of his eye he could see his mother start to come over, but his Grandmother’s cane stopped her dead in her tracks. He could hear her wicked cackle. With a sigh that matched his Mothers, he gave a nod.
    “Very well than. Who do I fight first?” He said managing to keep his voice steady, The bully just chuckled and the rest laughed with him before he demanded silence.
    “Why all of us of course,” and without further warning the bully gave the first punch! The others jumped in immediately pummeling Ravenfeather without mercy, His Mother still being held back by the old crones cane, cried out as his Grandmother cackled in enjoyment.
    It must be said however that after several of these type of beatings in the past; Ravenfeather wasn’t without a few tricks up his own sleeve. He managed to fight half of them off, knocking a few senseless in the process, before they finally overwhelmed him in a pile. Dust billowed up as fists, legs and feet flew. His Mother’s crying in harmony with his Grandmother’s gleeful cackling. It was sometime before someone noticed Ravenfeather sitting in his usual position on the sidelines, and not being beaten. Watching the whole thing with nothing but a few new scratches and bruises, but none the worse for wear. At least not in the condition he should be in.
    His Mother gave a great sigh of relief, and Grandmother’s cackling abruptly cut short. “How did he?“ The old woman shook that off and gave a shout “Hey boys the object of that beating is no longer in the pile! You’re only hurting yourselves at this point,” she empathized by pointing her cane at her grandson. His mother just looked at her in shock.
    “How could you?! Your own Grandson?” The old woman just put a nearly toothless smile on her face.
    “Its easy enough when you look at it this way. I can’t eat much in the way of nothing anymore. Which explains why my bowels are in the mess that they are. All my friends all gone or to old to do nothing but sleep and rest like me. My son is dead, died in some battle. I can barely walk so I find entertainment where I can. Even if its from watching the beatings of the likes of my strange Grandson.” she said giving another one of her cackles.
    It was at this point the young Braves stopped beating upon each other and while standing in the settling dust; they followed the old woman’s pointing cane to where Ravenfeather was calmly eating a apple he had managed to find. Lunging forward, arms and hands eager to grasp their prey once more, the Old Woman’s eyes coming alive at the prospect of continued entertainment! However the Young Braves were halted in their tracks by a commanding shout! Coming from behind them.
    “That will be enough boys! Young Braves, Stand!” It was the Chief’s son. He was in charge of training the youth of the Village. He now walked down the line, as all the boys scurried to get into place, even Ravenfeather. “A Brave never turns on his own men specially in numbers. No matter what the situation without reason,” he looked them all in the eye as he said this. At least those whose eyes could remain open. “I was watching and there was no reason and no situation. There will be punishment from the village council about this . Till then dismissed!” The boys scattered giving Ravenfeather ugly looks through their bloody and bruised lips. “Ravenfeather,” he looked up at his name as well as some of the other lads. “I said Ravenfeather! The rest of you I dismissed.” They quickly scurried off at his rebuke, and got out of sight quickly, but they also had a rumor to tell that the Chief’s son wanted to speak to Ravenfeather!
    Ravenfeather’s family watched from their lodge. “Ravenfeather I have been watching you, and you show skill. Skill I would hate to put to waste. You are above par with the other lads here, and while I know your peculiarities. I believe we can work past them. I have spoken with the other Masters and they agree with me. Starting tomorrow you will begin apprenticeship to Hunting and the ways of the Warrior. You bring honor to your family,” he slapped Ravenfeather upon the back, “Your father would be proud! Shall we go share the news with your family.
    Shortly after the chief’s son left his Grandmother spoke up. “Well I’ll be a buffalo’s mamma hump! I did live to see the day!” She flopped down in her stool shaking her head. It wasn’t a common known fact but that night her heart would stop as the news continued to circulate through her head.
    “I told you so my Husband’s Mother. Great things are in store for this one, Great things!” She smiled fondly down at her son.
    “That still remains to be seen, but I’ll grant you this Brave has got some spunk,” she said giving him a poke with her cane that gave him a worse bruise than any of the other boys did. It was also the closest thing to kindness she ever said to him.
    When Ravenfeather was fifteen he started noticing the Maiden Squaws in peculiar ways. Though unlike the other young Braves he didn’t pursue them in any fashion. He managed to make friends with quite a few of them however. That is until his sister stepped in. “Ravenfeather, this way is not for you. I know you have had difficulties, but these friends of yours, well, they are mine. We will be doing Squaw things and talking Squaw stuff, that a Brave just cant, or wouldn’t comprehend.” She would then turn around brushing him off. Her way of doing it Nicely he guessed.
    Now with no friends of his own anymore besides the one or two that would come into his life here and there and just as quickly leave it. His Anxiety became worse, to the point of blacking out. Many thought he was just doing it for attention, others that he was faking his illness to get out of work, and yet he brought in more meat than any other brave to feed the village! When he sought guidance from family they said he was whining or brought up the excuses from others. Only his mother tried to help him but she didn’t know how. And the blackouts became worse as his body began to seize. The fear, the anxiety, the depression, and the turmoil continued to haunt him just as it had his whole life. Just more so now.
    Years continued to pass and Ravenfeather grew up into a Youngman. Something he found altogether unnatural. It was not for him, just as those games, and those boys were not for him. He hated what he had become. And Still everyone kept saying, “The Gods are perfect Ravenfeather. They know what they are doing.” In Ravenfeather’s eyes, the Gods were cruel. Cruel to make one such as himself and have him live his life this way.


                PART TWO          B.R.A.V.E.

    The plains Ravenfeather and his people lived upon had become barren; turned to white sands as the river dried; and the herds either died or moved on.  His tribe would soon do one or the other as well, move on or die. Though unlike the herds they had one hope left to them. Deep in the mountains above the plains there lives a Oracle of legend!
    It is said she has within her power to bring life back to the prairie. Who however do they send to request such a boon? None have ever returned that have gone before. All of the Braves are needed here and now! And in the village too many have been lost to this famine. Even the Bully and many of the other lads from those boyhood memories. The Tribal leaders argue this very mater. Do we send someone to the oracle or do we leave our homeland seeking greener pastures? They discuss heatedly as the rest of the tribe watches in silence.
    Ravenfeather is one Brave however who is not content to stand and wait for a outcome. Not while he people continue to starve!  Boldly turning his back on the meeting; he grabs his bow and quiver; and sets out across the white sands.
    The days have been dark with storm clouds, lightning flashing, and thunder rolling, but no promise of rain. It has been a long time since the Gods smiled upon his people and opened up the clouds. If his grandmother were alive she would blame him and his peculiarities for it, he was sure; then insight the whole village against him. He just shook his head at those memories also lost now in his boyhood, and readied himself.
    Ignoring the sky he set his sights upon the Oracle’s mountains in the distance. At  least everyone said that was her mountain, and where the Lost One’s wondered. So there lay his hope, his people’s hope.       The once fertile prairie of long grass now rolling hills of white dunes, Ravenfeather ready and Able  pushed his feet one step at a time into the unrelenting white sand that resisted any forward progress. The wind billowed fiercely against his body, Sending grit into his eyes, mouth and nose. He tied a thin hide across his nose and mouth and held his arm above his eye line then continued forward.
    Reaching the foothills the wind suddenly seemed to die. Just like everything else out upon the prairie had done, or was currently doing.  He knew these foothills, and quickly scanned for a landmark to get his bearings. He had hunted hear when game became scarcer on the plains below.
    Finding a familiar landmark. He knew the path to the Oracle was but a short hike away. He had found it once before on a hunting trip. Though he didn’t dare step foot upon it!
    Arriving at last at the edge of the path Ravenfeather hesitated but briefly; before Boldly casting his past aside and taking that first step! But before his barefoot hit the dirt of the defined trail a voice echoed in the recesses of his mind.  “Oh Bold and Able Brave one, You have come far and suffered much already. Sill more is to come. Step forward Bold one; Step forward oh Able one; Step forward Brave one if you know you are ready to achieve your Dream!” The voice receded and was gone as quickly as it had descended upon him.
    Looking inward Ravenfeather knew with his heart, mind, his whole being that this step was right. He placed his foot upon the Oracle’s path, and the world around him was swept away!” The mountains, foothills, and the white sands of the dunes below seemed to blur; as if seen through water; and appear in shades of grey. The stormy sky and the path beneath his feet was the only thing clear and defined. It wound around the blurred landscape and up into the mountains. The trail would be difficult. That much Ravenfeather could see; but if the owner of that voice in his head was the Oracle; and she was at its top, and  could grant the boon of his people; than it would be well worth the journey.
    The wind picked up again not as fierce as before, but cold and biting. Still he continued, not being balked even if just in a loincloth. To quit meant death, and not just for him, but his whole tribe. His tribe. They were probably still arguing back by the dry riverbed in the prairie below; not knowing they were counting on him, and he would not let them down!
    “Turn back Ravenfeather. You cannot do this. It is not for you. It is the tribes destiny to fall, and yours.” That voice it was so familiar. He looked behind him, and there she was, His sister. The ghost of her, for she had died but three moons past of the famine.” Looking at her something came over him. He became tired of all the not for you and the cants. A Empowerment fell upon him!
    “You no longer have any say in what I do with my life little sister. I will go on. I must go on. Either I shall succeed or I shall not, but I will die knowing all was done to stop it.” The ghost of his sister faded into the surrounding grey landscape with a confounded look upon her face and Ravenfeather’s fear became buried with it. Only to surface in the future again in dire circumstances.  Ravenfeather continued onward.
    “Ravenfeather, my son,” from the corner of his eye Ravenfeather could see the ghost of his Mother. Her arms open as if to receive him. “Turn back Ravenfeather for the tribe will need you in other capacities. They will need those skills only you can offer them. Do not throw your life away in this quest.” He refused to turn or speak to the ghost of his Mother for the first time in his life. Empowered he continued onward through a narrow canyon. With a sigh that was so common of her. She too like his sister faded into the surrounding grey landscape. 
    It was a tight fit in this canyon in places and he let out a groan when he heard a cackle echo down from the other end. Of all the shades he wouldn’t mind meeting by force along this path, his Grandmother was not one of them. He found her around the bend as he exited the canyon. The path still being narrow there was only one way to escape. Turn around. She let out another cackle knowing his predicament. “So Ravenfeather here you stand all alone in this world. No parents, no siblings, no friends, and no wife!” The old witch went into hysterics at that one.
    A thought came into Ravenfeather’s head. There was a way to be rid of his Grandmother once and for all. He wasn’t armed only with just his Bow and Quiver. He had Virtue! There was something in there he could use to get rid of this shade. Something he didn’t learn from her, but from his Mother.  “Grandmother?”
    “Yes oh Maiden Brave Grandchild of mine?” She laughed it up once more.
    “I Forgive you.” It was simple, it was direct, it made his Grandmother drop her cane.
    “What did you say Squaw Boy?” Her mouth hung open  and her eyes bulged.
    “I forgive you, for everything. Even this here and now. I even love you Grandmother.” She gave a shriek and burst into shade particles leaving her cane behind her! Which seemed to fade in her absence. Perhaps he had learned some Virtue through her as well all those years. Putting up with her name calling and such. After all patience is a Virtue.
    Continuing forward Ravenfeather arrived at a bridge, however before he could get near enough to cross a new apparition appeared. “Hello Ravenfeather.” This time again the image was directly in his path, and it was no dead loved one long since buried. It was himself. He stopped short. “So you are taking us into the unknown. None have ever returned from the Oracle. What makes you think you will? I don’t want to be a Lost One, or worse die!” Ravenfeather knew it was speaking many truths, but nothing he hadn’t heard before or thought about before setting out.
    Besides no one knew who or what the Lost Ones really were. Some claimed to have spoken to them, and asked questions though most just believed that to be superstition and fairy tales.  He would deal with Lost Ones if he had too when the time came. But for now he must move on! He strode forward waving his bow before him. Never uttering a single word to the doppelganger standing in his way. The image blurred as it encountered his bow and like the others dispersed or faded into the landscape.
    The path became steeper and he had to climb in places. Climbing the last stretch the voices started. He could hear them from all around. Taunting, nagging, and insulting him. Some by name others whatever they wished to call him. He even recognized some of those voices. The bully and the other boys being amongst them. Ravenfeather refuse to respond, but kept his sights on the ledge above him. Soon he reached the top and the voices faded away into the gray.
    Looking back down the mountain he could see he had come a long way. He was far beyond the foothills now and high in the mountains. He could even see the prairie below that seemed to go on forever into the horizon. Turning his back and setting his sights forward. Ravenfeather marched onward not knowing that was the last he would see of his beloved home.
    The path wound around into some woods. The trees tall and gray in that watery blur. The sky still flashed and the thunder still rolled, and still Ravenfeather took no notice. Even the God’s displeasure would not stop him now!
    As Ravenfeather rounded a bend in the woods he found a cave sitting ever so nicely in the mountain side. The path he was following continued on into it’s depths. However just like on the path below as he looked to enter. The voiced once more descended this time speaking through the water that streamed down to cover the caves entrance pulsing with light at every word. “Oh Brave One, You have passed so many trials by Virtues and Strength of Mind. If you are ready the path is clear. Enter, and fulfill your destiny!” The voice faded, but the glow continued to shine on the streaming door of water that was the caves mouth.
    Nothing about this journey had been routine, but than seeking a Oracle who would expect it to be. He hadn’t balked yet and he wont turn around now. He cast down his bow and quiver. He would not need to fight in there. That much he was sure. The fight, nay the struggle was over At least this part. If he needed them again he knew were to find them. Something else was about to begin.
    Taking a deep breath Ravenfeather stepped through the glowing water. Immediately his world shifted once more! Color returned and everything became sharp and defined again. She looked about taking everything but herself in. One thing momentous did strike her.
    The Depression. The depression that had haunted Ravenfeather her whole life was gone. The anxiety she always use to feel and that had caused her to blackout became Hyper Activity. She saw everything in a whole new light! Even this cave was more then just rock to her. It was then she noticed a line of torches leading deeper into the cavern.  At their end she could see a Woman standing before a large cauldron dressed in robes of white. A giant waterfall was cascading down silently behind her catching both the sun’s and torch’s light, and making them dance upon the falling water.
            “Come Ravenfeather,” the woman beckoned, “I have been expecting you. What you wish is nearly at hand.” The woman spoke clearly and musically, and Ravenfeather followed its sound down the cave’s path to stop before the woman and her cauldron.
    “Are you the Oracle I have come to seek?” She asked directly. The Woman nodded and spoke.
    “I am, and you have done well in finding me Young Woman.” She stated it simply, as if it was a term Ravenfeather should be expecting to hear. Needless to say Ravenfeather was taken aback at her words and grew angry!
    “I am no woman. I-,” Ravenfeather gestured with her arm at the Oracle and noticed for the first time a great change had come over her. Looking at herself for the first time upon entering the cave, Ravenfeather let out a gasp. Her skin was smooth now and not rough as before. Where her once well muscled chest had been lay firm breasts in their place. A quick frantic search under her loincloth made the discovery that her manhood had disappeared as well. She was indeed a young woman.
    “What have you done to me?!” Ravenfeather demanded of the Oracle.
    “I have done nothing Ravenfeather. This was you all along, remember? You chose this. You out of all your people have always been different. “ Ravenfeather knew the truth of her words but still she wanted to argue the point. “Your whole Journey led to this,” The Oracle finished.
    “To Save my people was the Journey,” Ravenfeather shouted! The Oracle only smiled and touched her index finger to the cauldrons water. Moving pictures started forming within as she talked.
    “And you have. The clouds have relinquished the rain and the river is flowing once more. Your tribe’s crops with grow, the famine will end, and the herds shall return. Though your people will Thank the Gods and not you.”
    “I will have the solace that the prairie shall heal and none more shall die. That is my reward.”
    “You have been Renewed Ravenfeather. That too is your reward.”
    “Renewed? But I am a Brave. I must hunt, I must fight, and I must protect my people. I cannot do this this way!”
    “The Change cant be undone. Only people like you can come to me and get boons granted for their people. You will find that it is you in the end. It always had been. It was your Journey from the beginning. Hence your reward of Renewal.”
    Bowing her head Ravenfeather whispered, “ The Lost Ones, ”Looking up to meet the Oracle in the eye, “I cant go back can I?”
    “No, I am afraid not. They will not accept you as before. Your time with them is done. You must wonder these mountains with others such as yourself. Till the day the tribes welcome you home with open arms again.”
    “With others such as me?  The Lost Ones? You mean those who journeyed here before I sought you out are the Lost Ones?!”
    “Yes, but one day you will all return. One day. Until that day, you must choose a new name. A name that will Empower you and help you through the days to come.” Ravenfeather took in her words, and thought about this new name.
    “Dovewing. I choose Dovewing. I shall carry this new destiny with peace in my heart and on the wings of my feet.” The Oracle nodded and smiled.
    “Than Dovewing bare me no ill will for your wish and dream has come true. The others are waiting to welcome you into the fold and help you adjust to this new life. Now go, pick up your bow, and meet the others with a similar destiny. Your life will be fulfilling and joyous.” Dovewing gave her a tenuous smile, and since old habits died hard a bow as well. With that done  Dovewing turned and left the cave picked up her bow, and left the path foraging into the woods. To seek her new life.

Till next time. I am Alice enjoying ever minute of my Journey. I hope you enjoy seeking yours.