So Wednesday I had my first Physicians appointment that I needed to do. In order to get on HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) I walked fourteen blocks form the Trax station all the way up to Saint Marks Hospital to see Dr Nicola Riley. A very eccentric lady to say the least, or perhaps loopy is a better term. I love her! I filled out a lot of paper work, and I mean a lot. She then sat down with me and talked a little bit about how and when I knew I was Transgender. She is a very considerate doctor, and seems to look after her patients. For instance I was told the previous day by the billing office it would be One hundred and eighty dollars for my visit. As I don't have insurance. They failed to tell me that because I would be paying cash I would get a discount. I only payed One hundred and thirty five! That and it would cover next weeks visit as well. She also took the elevator all way down to the labs where she sent me to get my blood drawn. Just to give me my Drivers licence back that was left in her office two floors up. Most would just call you and have you come back. Her actions showed me she truly cares about her patients.
So she had my blood drawn and tested. Looking at Kidney function too see if my body can handle the hormones. They are also testing my Thyroid and to see if I have Diabetes or Hepatitis. So far it all looks good. I get the results next Thursday when I see her again. That and I have to strip for a physical! But heres the kicker. I will also get my prescription for Estrogen and Testosterone blockers!!! I am getting closer and closer to my Dream of finally being me! And it is happening faster and faster. I CANT WAIT! But I have to. Till next time I am Alice. These are my Journeys. I hope yours are pleasant and enjoyable.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Pinnacle Moment
I went to see my Therapist yesterday that is overseeing my Transition. It has been three weeks since our last visit, and this one I have been looking forward too. You see, She told me if I was able to maintain a positive attitude and keep a level head. She would write out the Note for me to receive HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) We went over those three weeks carefully with a fine tooth comb. Hormones is taken very seriously it isn't just given to you. She than asked me, "How do you feel about the next step?" My response.
"I'm ready. It's the only way for me to be me and continue to grow." She than said she would write the note and fax it to the Physician of my choice. "HALLELUJAH!" We talked about other steps such as name changes and such, but those are down the road yet a ways. After my session I called my Physician and made a appointment. Yes within minutes after receiving that Note. I had plans in place to start becoming the Woman I've always known myself to be.
I know I now have other trials to face, but I believe I will get through them. I have many friends who have supported me from the beginning. I am sure they will help me through the difficult times ahead, as well as be there for the good times to come! I AM ALICE! These are my Journeys. Until next time, Enjoy your own!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Feelings an Troubles
I've been going through my daily life these past few weeks with great Anxiety weighing heavily upon me. Everything I have encountered, seen, done, or thought about seems to have affected it. That is part of the trouble for me. And as Flight Alice to Womanhood is about to take off, the Anxiety tends to keep me, the passenger, gripping the seat to keep a hold on things.
An Example: Most men will look at all the beautiful young ladies in a room and wonder, "What it would be like to be with them." Basically wanting what they cannot have. At least without a little work first. I on the other hand will look at them all and ask myself, "Why was I not one of them? Why couldn't I have been born different?" I only hurt myself thinking and feeling that way, I KNOW! And I have been better at controlling these emotions in these last months. However as I near the date where my transition starts Life seems to want to test me.
Another Example: Friends of the more expressive gender. When I see them wearing skirts, dresses, high heels, and other such apparel. I ask myself some of those same questions above, and YEARN for the day I can do so myself. Meanwhile as I watch them attracting the eyes of everyone in the room with those hemlines a twirling. I become depressed. And no I don't want to attract anyone. I just want to be ME! To finally be the person I know I am but can't express properly.
I found myself finding much of these things in common with Gwen Araujo. As I watched her life story in the movie, "A Girl Like Me." Gwen was a Transgender Teen murdered in 2002 when she was found out she was biologically male. However as I watched her tale unfold I saw many of her emotions and struggles surface that I to have been facing. I do know from the beginning she was much braver than me, for it took me longer to get to many of the points she arrived at early on. Such as wearing makeup in public. Her story dwelt on my mind all night and through the next day. I will learn from it and take it with me.
This week my Anxiety exists for different reasons. I have an appointment with my therapist, and it is this session I shall receive my "Note" for HRT. My only requirement I had to meet was keep a rein on my attitude and depression. I believe I have achieved that much. For while those situations would affect me, they never did for more than a hour or two. I had good friends that were willing to talk about it and support me. They are excited for me, and are just as eager to see me become ME as I am!
I am Alice. My Journey has begun! Till next time enjoy your own travels.
Friday, February 4, 2011
One of the Final Clicks!
Last night in the Support Group, I made the decision to go by Alice and the female pronouns. It felt good; it felt better than good; it was FANTASTIC! To be addressed finally as Alice by others all night was thrilling and comfortable.If I had known it would make me feel that way. I would have made that decision long ago. I felt a part of me missing click into place that wasn't there before, and I realized there are still steps to take. I can make those easier now though. I feel, no I know that.
I have to ask myself now why didn't I make the choice to go by Alice sooner? The Answer? My past. My Family. Myself. I had to grow first. I had to examine and delve deep into the recesses of my heart and soul. That took years. It took time to conquer fears and stigmas within and outside myself to find who I truly am. Only after all that was I able to stand in that group last night and say I'm Alice. And I am Alice. The person who is Corey is fading disappearing. Sure I still carry who he was within me. I still love to write, read, and do other things he liked to do. However I am now finding things that Alice likes to do he didn't. That is me, and when friends or family ask me, "What happened to Corey?" I'll say-
"He fell down a Rabbit Hole as I stepped out the Looking Glass." Till next time Enjoy your Journey's I am!
I have to ask myself now why didn't I make the choice to go by Alice sooner? The Answer? My past. My Family. Myself. I had to grow first. I had to examine and delve deep into the recesses of my heart and soul. That took years. It took time to conquer fears and stigmas within and outside myself to find who I truly am. Only after all that was I able to stand in that group last night and say I'm Alice. And I am Alice. The person who is Corey is fading disappearing. Sure I still carry who he was within me. I still love to write, read, and do other things he liked to do. However I am now finding things that Alice likes to do he didn't. That is me, and when friends or family ask me, "What happened to Corey?" I'll say-
"He fell down a Rabbit Hole as I stepped out the Looking Glass." Till next time Enjoy your Journey's I am!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Brave and BRAVE
A few weeks ago my therapist asked me to write a story on the Acronym B.R.A.V.E. , and on what It meant to me being Transgender and dealing with it in my everyday life. Bold Renewed Able Virtues Empowered. She didn't know what she was asking. I am a writer! My imagination hits like a tsunami when a challenge is put to me. Before I even left her office I knew what the story would be about. I would like to share my story with you all.
B.R.A.V.E.
By, Alice Fae Wright
The plains had become barren and turned to white sands. The river had dried, and the herds had either died or moved on. The tribe would soon do one or the other as well. Though they had one hope left to them. Deep in the mountains above the plains. There dwells the Oracle. She may be able to help them, but who do they send? None have ever returned that have gone before. Here and now the Tribal leaders argue this very point, as the rest of the tribe watches in silence.
There is one Brave amongst them who is not content to stand and wait for a outcome. His name is Ravenfeather , and his people are starving. Turning his back on the meeting within his village; he grabs his bow and quiver; and sets out across the white sands.
The day is dark with storm clouds, lightning flashing, and thunder rolling, but no promise of rain. It has been a long time since the Gods smiled upon his people, and opened up the clouds. Ravenfeather ignored the sky, setting his sights upon the mountains in the distance. There lay his hope, his peoples hope.
Bold and Able Ravenfeather pushed his feet against the resisting sand. The once fertile prairie of long grass now rolling hills of white dunes. The wind began to blow fiercely against his body sending the white grit into his eyes, nose, and mouth. He bent his head and continued on, knowing nothing was out here that would get in his way.
As he reached the foothills the wind died just as everything else on the prairie had or was currently doing. Looking about he sought for a landmark to get his bearings. He knew these foothills. He had hunted here as game became scarcer on the plains. The path to the Oracle was near. Only a short hike away.
Finding the path at last he turned to face the next part of his journey. As his bare foot was about to strike the Oracle’s path a voice echoed in the recesses of his mind. “Oh Brave One, You have come far, and suffered much already. Still more is to come. Step forward if you know you are ready. Step forward if you believe you can achieve your Dream.” Ravenfeather knew with his heart, mind, his whole being that this was right. He took that final step, and the world around him was swept away!
The mountains, foothills, and the white sands of the dunes below seemed to blur; as if seen through water; and appear in shades of grey. The stormy sky and the path beneath his feet was the only thing clear and defined. It wound around the blurred scenery and up into the mountains. The trail would be difficult. That much Ravenfeather could see, but if the Oracle was at its top and could fulfill his request. It would be well worth the journey.
The wind picked up again not as fierce as before, but cold and bit at his skin. Still he continued onward. He would not stop. To quit meant death, and not just for him, but his whole tribe. His tribe. They were probably still arguing back by the dry riverbed in the prairie below. Without knowing they were counting on him, and he would not let them down!
“Turn back Ravenfeather. You cannot do this. It is the tribes destiny to fall, and yours.” That voice it was so familiar. He looked behind him, and there she was. His sister. The ghost of her. For she had died but three moons past.
“I must. Either I succeed or not. I will die knowing all was done.” The ghost of his sister faded away into the surrounding gray landscape at his words. He started forward once more.
“Ravenfeather, my son, turn back. The tribe will need you in other capacities besides you throwing your life away.” His mother’s voice reached from behind him. This time he did not turn or speak, but continued forward ignoring even the ghost of his mother for the first time in his life.
“Hello Ravenfeather.” This time the image appeared directly in his path, and it was no dead loved one long since buried. It was himself. He stopped short. “So you are taking us into the unknown. None have ever returned from the Oracle. What makes you think you will? I don’t want to die!” Ravenfeather knew it was speaking many truths, but nothing he hadn’t heard before or thought about before setting out. He strode forward once more waving his bow before him. The image blurred and faded as his bow encountered and met little resistance.
The path became steeper and he had to climb in places. As he was climbing the last stretch the voices started. He could hear them from all around. Taunting, nagging, and insulting him. Some by name others whatever they wished to call him. Ravenfeather refuse to respond, but kept his sights on the ledge above him. Soon he reached the top and the voices faded away into the gray. Looking around he could see that he had come a long way. He was far beyond the foothills now and high in the mountains. He could see the prairie below that seemed to go on forever into the horizon. Turning his back and setting his sights forward. Ravenfeather marched onward not knowing that was the last he would see of his beloved home.
The path wound into some woods. The trees tall and gray in that watery blur. The sky still flashed and the thunder still rolled, and still Ravenfeather took no notice. Even the God’s displeasure would not stop him.
Coming around a bend in the woods, Ravenfeather found a cave, the path continuing on into it’s depths. However as he looked to enter, water cascaded down covering its entrance, and the voice he had heard below in his mind spoke. This time speaking through the water, which pulsed with light as each word was spoken. “Oh Brave One, You have passed so many trials by your Virtues and strength of mind. If you are ready the path is clear. Enter, and fulfill your destiny!” The voice faded, but the glow continued on. Nothing about this journey had been routine, but he hadn’t balked from the strangeness yet. He cast down his bow. He would not need to fight in there. That much he was sure. The fight was over, something else was about to begin.
Taking a deep breath Ravenfeather stepped through the glowing water. His world shifting once more! Color returned and everything became sharp and defined again. She looked about taking everything but herself in. Torches hung from the cave walls lighting the way to its end. Where she could see a Woman standing before a large cauldron dressed in robes of white, and a giant waterfall cascading down silently behind her.
“Come Ravenfeather. I have been expecting you. What you wish is nearly at hand.” The woman spoke clearly and musically. Ravenfeather walked down the cave’s path and stopped before the woman.
“Are you the Oracle I have come to seek?” She asked directly. The Woman nodded and spoke.
“I am, and you have done well in finding me Young Woman.” Ravenfeather was taken aback at her words and grew angry!
“I am no woman. I-,”Ravenfeather gestured with her arm at the Oracle, and noticed for the first time a great change had come over her. Looking at herself for the first time upon entering the cave. Ravenfeather let out a gasp. Her skin was smooth now and not rough as before. The well muscled chest she once had was gone and firm breasts lay in their place. Feeling she found that her manhood had disappeared as well. She was indeed a young woman. “What have you done to me?!” Ravenfeather demanded of the Oracle.
“I have done nothing Ravenfeather. You chose this. You out of all your people have always been different. From the time you set out from your village to entering my cave. Your whole journey led to this.” Ravenfeather took in her words, and knew as she spoke that she was right. Still she wanted to argue.
“But I am a Brave. I must hunt. I must fight. I must protect my people. I cannot do this this way!” She pleaded. The Oracle only smiled.
“But you already have Ravenfeather. The change cant be undone. You will find that it is you, that it was the journey.”
“To save my people was the Journey!” Ravenfeather shouted. The Oracle smiled again.
“And you have. The clouds have relinquished the rain and the river is flowing once more. Your tribe’s crops will grow again and the herds shall return. The prairie shall heal. Everything has been Renewed including yourself”
“Than I may go back?” Ravenfeather asked hopefully already knowing her answer.
“No,” the Oracle frowned, “They will not accept you as before. Your time with them is done. You must wonder these mountains with others such as you. Till the day the tribes will welcome you home with open arms again.”
“With others such as me? You mean those who journeyed here before I sought you out myself?”
“Yes, but one day you will all return. One day. Until that day, you must choose a new name. A name that will Empower you and help you through the days to come.” Ravenfeather took in her words, and thought about this new name.
“Dovewing. I choose Dovewing. I shall carry this new destiny with peace in my heart and on the wings of my feet.” The Oracle nodded and smiled.
“So be it, Dovewing. Now go, pick up your bow, and meet others with a similar destiny. Your life will be fulfilling and joyous.” With that Dovewing turned and left the cave picked up her bow, and left the path foraging into the woods. To seek her new life.
I Enjoyed writing it, I hope you enjoyed reading it. Any feedback is welcome. I love it as a writer. Till next time, Enjoy your own Journeys.
B.R.A.V.E.
By, Alice Fae Wright
The plains had become barren and turned to white sands. The river had dried, and the herds had either died or moved on. The tribe would soon do one or the other as well. Though they had one hope left to them. Deep in the mountains above the plains. There dwells the Oracle. She may be able to help them, but who do they send? None have ever returned that have gone before. Here and now the Tribal leaders argue this very point, as the rest of the tribe watches in silence.
There is one Brave amongst them who is not content to stand and wait for a outcome. His name is Ravenfeather , and his people are starving. Turning his back on the meeting within his village; he grabs his bow and quiver; and sets out across the white sands.
The day is dark with storm clouds, lightning flashing, and thunder rolling, but no promise of rain. It has been a long time since the Gods smiled upon his people, and opened up the clouds. Ravenfeather ignored the sky, setting his sights upon the mountains in the distance. There lay his hope, his peoples hope.
Bold and Able Ravenfeather pushed his feet against the resisting sand. The once fertile prairie of long grass now rolling hills of white dunes. The wind began to blow fiercely against his body sending the white grit into his eyes, nose, and mouth. He bent his head and continued on, knowing nothing was out here that would get in his way.
As he reached the foothills the wind died just as everything else on the prairie had or was currently doing. Looking about he sought for a landmark to get his bearings. He knew these foothills. He had hunted here as game became scarcer on the plains. The path to the Oracle was near. Only a short hike away.
Finding the path at last he turned to face the next part of his journey. As his bare foot was about to strike the Oracle’s path a voice echoed in the recesses of his mind. “Oh Brave One, You have come far, and suffered much already. Still more is to come. Step forward if you know you are ready. Step forward if you believe you can achieve your Dream.” Ravenfeather knew with his heart, mind, his whole being that this was right. He took that final step, and the world around him was swept away!
The mountains, foothills, and the white sands of the dunes below seemed to blur; as if seen through water; and appear in shades of grey. The stormy sky and the path beneath his feet was the only thing clear and defined. It wound around the blurred scenery and up into the mountains. The trail would be difficult. That much Ravenfeather could see, but if the Oracle was at its top and could fulfill his request. It would be well worth the journey.
The wind picked up again not as fierce as before, but cold and bit at his skin. Still he continued onward. He would not stop. To quit meant death, and not just for him, but his whole tribe. His tribe. They were probably still arguing back by the dry riverbed in the prairie below. Without knowing they were counting on him, and he would not let them down!
“Turn back Ravenfeather. You cannot do this. It is the tribes destiny to fall, and yours.” That voice it was so familiar. He looked behind him, and there she was. His sister. The ghost of her. For she had died but three moons past.
“I must. Either I succeed or not. I will die knowing all was done.” The ghost of his sister faded away into the surrounding gray landscape at his words. He started forward once more.
“Ravenfeather, my son, turn back. The tribe will need you in other capacities besides you throwing your life away.” His mother’s voice reached from behind him. This time he did not turn or speak, but continued forward ignoring even the ghost of his mother for the first time in his life.
“Hello Ravenfeather.” This time the image appeared directly in his path, and it was no dead loved one long since buried. It was himself. He stopped short. “So you are taking us into the unknown. None have ever returned from the Oracle. What makes you think you will? I don’t want to die!” Ravenfeather knew it was speaking many truths, but nothing he hadn’t heard before or thought about before setting out. He strode forward once more waving his bow before him. The image blurred and faded as his bow encountered and met little resistance.
The path became steeper and he had to climb in places. As he was climbing the last stretch the voices started. He could hear them from all around. Taunting, nagging, and insulting him. Some by name others whatever they wished to call him. Ravenfeather refuse to respond, but kept his sights on the ledge above him. Soon he reached the top and the voices faded away into the gray. Looking around he could see that he had come a long way. He was far beyond the foothills now and high in the mountains. He could see the prairie below that seemed to go on forever into the horizon. Turning his back and setting his sights forward. Ravenfeather marched onward not knowing that was the last he would see of his beloved home.
The path wound into some woods. The trees tall and gray in that watery blur. The sky still flashed and the thunder still rolled, and still Ravenfeather took no notice. Even the God’s displeasure would not stop him.
Coming around a bend in the woods, Ravenfeather found a cave, the path continuing on into it’s depths. However as he looked to enter, water cascaded down covering its entrance, and the voice he had heard below in his mind spoke. This time speaking through the water, which pulsed with light as each word was spoken. “Oh Brave One, You have passed so many trials by your Virtues and strength of mind. If you are ready the path is clear. Enter, and fulfill your destiny!” The voice faded, but the glow continued on. Nothing about this journey had been routine, but he hadn’t balked from the strangeness yet. He cast down his bow. He would not need to fight in there. That much he was sure. The fight was over, something else was about to begin.
Taking a deep breath Ravenfeather stepped through the glowing water. His world shifting once more! Color returned and everything became sharp and defined again. She looked about taking everything but herself in. Torches hung from the cave walls lighting the way to its end. Where she could see a Woman standing before a large cauldron dressed in robes of white, and a giant waterfall cascading down silently behind her.
“Come Ravenfeather. I have been expecting you. What you wish is nearly at hand.” The woman spoke clearly and musically. Ravenfeather walked down the cave’s path and stopped before the woman.
“Are you the Oracle I have come to seek?” She asked directly. The Woman nodded and spoke.
“I am, and you have done well in finding me Young Woman.” Ravenfeather was taken aback at her words and grew angry!
“I am no woman. I-,”Ravenfeather gestured with her arm at the Oracle, and noticed for the first time a great change had come over her. Looking at herself for the first time upon entering the cave. Ravenfeather let out a gasp. Her skin was smooth now and not rough as before. The well muscled chest she once had was gone and firm breasts lay in their place. Feeling she found that her manhood had disappeared as well. She was indeed a young woman. “What have you done to me?!” Ravenfeather demanded of the Oracle.
“I have done nothing Ravenfeather. You chose this. You out of all your people have always been different. From the time you set out from your village to entering my cave. Your whole journey led to this.” Ravenfeather took in her words, and knew as she spoke that she was right. Still she wanted to argue.
“But I am a Brave. I must hunt. I must fight. I must protect my people. I cannot do this this way!” She pleaded. The Oracle only smiled.
“But you already have Ravenfeather. The change cant be undone. You will find that it is you, that it was the journey.”
“To save my people was the Journey!” Ravenfeather shouted. The Oracle smiled again.
“And you have. The clouds have relinquished the rain and the river is flowing once more. Your tribe’s crops will grow again and the herds shall return. The prairie shall heal. Everything has been Renewed including yourself”
“Than I may go back?” Ravenfeather asked hopefully already knowing her answer.
“No,” the Oracle frowned, “They will not accept you as before. Your time with them is done. You must wonder these mountains with others such as you. Till the day the tribes will welcome you home with open arms again.”
“With others such as me? You mean those who journeyed here before I sought you out myself?”
“Yes, but one day you will all return. One day. Until that day, you must choose a new name. A name that will Empower you and help you through the days to come.” Ravenfeather took in her words, and thought about this new name.
“Dovewing. I choose Dovewing. I shall carry this new destiny with peace in my heart and on the wings of my feet.” The Oracle nodded and smiled.
“So be it, Dovewing. Now go, pick up your bow, and meet others with a similar destiny. Your life will be fulfilling and joyous.” With that Dovewing turned and left the cave picked up her bow, and left the path foraging into the woods. To seek her new life.
I Enjoyed writing it, I hope you enjoyed reading it. Any feedback is welcome. I love it as a writer. Till next time, Enjoy your own Journeys.
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