Feelings an Troubles

    I've been going through my daily life these past few weeks with great Anxiety weighing heavily upon me. Everything I have encountered, seen, done, or thought about seems to have affected it. That is part of the trouble for me. And as Flight Alice to Womanhood is about to take off, the Anxiety tends to keep me, the passenger, gripping the seat to keep a hold on things. 

    An Example: Most men will look at all the beautiful young ladies in a room and wonder, "What it would be like to be with them." Basically wanting what they cannot have. At least without a little work first. I on the other hand will look at them all and ask myself, "Why was I not one of them? Why couldn't I have been born different?" I only hurt myself thinking and feeling that way, I KNOW! And I have been better at controlling these emotions in these last months. However as I near the date where my transition starts Life seems to want to test me. 

    Another Example: Friends of the more expressive gender. When I see them wearing skirts, dresses, high heels, and other such apparel. I ask myself some of those same questions above, and YEARN for the day I can do so myself. Meanwhile as I watch them attracting the eyes of everyone in the room with those hemlines a twirling. I become depressed. And no I don't want to attract anyone. I just want to be ME! To finally be the person I know I am but can't express properly. 

    I found myself finding much of these things in common with Gwen Araujo. As I watched her life story in the movie, "A Girl Like Me." Gwen was a Transgender Teen murdered in 2002 when she was found out she was biologically male. However as I watched her tale unfold I saw many of her emotions and struggles surface that I to have been facing. I do know from the beginning she was much braver than me, for it took me longer to get to many of the points she arrived at early on. Such as wearing makeup in public. Her story dwelt on my mind all night and through the next day. I will learn from it and take it with me. 

    This week my Anxiety exists for different reasons. I have an appointment with my therapist, and it is this session I shall receive my "Note" for HRT. My only requirement I had to meet was keep a rein on my attitude and depression. I believe I have achieved that much. For while those situations would affect me, they never did for more than a hour or two. I had good friends that were willing to talk about it and support me. They are excited for me, and are just as eager to see me become ME as I am!

                                 I am Alice. My Journey has begun! Till next time enjoy your own travels.