I SCREAMED! I SHOUTED! The Walls Came Tumbling Down.

  All my life there have been impenetrable walls like dark abysses containing parts of myself on the other side within me.  I could feel them there. I just didn't have access to them. I thought it was because of my disabilities either learning or otherwise. I was wrong. These walls preventing so much in my life.
   Imagine standing at the end of a incomplete bridge over a massive ravine. Everyone else has completed theirs and is on the other side already. You try to talk or shout, but only bits and pieces of what you are trying to say make it across. Imagine you are a 100,000 piece puzzle, but a few pieces are missing or they never came in the box. Though from a distance you look whole. These are but a couple of examples of how I felt and still It falls short.
  The walls prevented me from being social for I was very shy. I never made friends easily, and at times I didn't want to interact with the ones I had. Speaking and communicating with others was difficult. For what I had to say in my head was perfect. However what came out of my mouth was jumbled and at times incoherent. My family taunted me, and my peers made fun of me. It was a disability only in that I saw it that way. Years of stigmas of society and family telling me I can't or shouldn't and to not do this or that. Top it off with the Emotional and Mental abuse I  suffered at the hands of my family and I shut out others and most especially myself.
  It wasn't until last year that I was standing at a crossroads of identity. Shall I choose a Life in the Church or do I Transition to become a Woman that the first wall crumbled. I choose to Transition.

  It was that one choice that crumbled the first wall. It was a thinner wall than some of the others. Yet all were a dark abyss. I didn't even notice it was down at first. I just told my therapist at my school I was going to try and find a support group for people that are Transgender. I suddenly found myself more social with my peers. I was laughing more I was more focused. I was even coherent and understood at times! But it was still just a small part of me. When I attended the meeting the first time another wall tumbled and crumbled down and more of me was added to the whole! WOW!
  Since then with each choice I've made more walls have crumbled! I am a different person than I was last Summer. I have more access to my total self than ever before in my Life. Only a couple Wall's remain perhaps three or four but no more than that.
   One such Wall is approaching me soon. I know its time to crumble even! July Twenty-First It will fall and it is a big wall. It is the date I will manifest as Alice physically for the first time! I know this as well about that date. I will be a different person when that wall crumbles and falls. Some large part of me is over there waiting to be added to the whole. I can feel it. I know it. Looking back with hind sight I am a changed person I am no longer Corey at all. This is the last hurdle to being fully myself as Alice and truth be told. I'm scared. I'm excited. I CAN'T WAIT!



   These Are My Journey's, And I'm Taking Them Brick By Brick! Till Next Time Don't Be Afraid To Confront Your Own Walls!

By The Way Mother Nature Says Hi!

  UGH! Again just when I thought certain things were never going to hit me in my Transition. WAM! They come upon me in INTENSITY! This time it was like a sledgehammer right in the abdomen, and as the pain dissipated to a ache. A corkscrew grabbed a hold of my muscles and tissue and twisted them continuously. I am talking about none other than CRAMPS!
  At first I didn't recognize them for what they were. How could I really? I never had them, and they weren't so bad to begin with. It wasn't till I was talking to a friend and She confirmed that that's what they were; and I opened my big mouth and repeated, they ain't hurting too bad. WAM! UGH! They proved me wrong.
 The same friend suggested I take Naproxen to help relive them. Unfortunately everybody's body is different. Mine didn't like the idea of that particular medication and rejected it. So the pain and cramping persisted. Still does! I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight LOL!
 My friends have tried to help me throughout the day, and I appreciated all their suggestions and help. However I just wanted to sit in my chair and hug my pillow. I really didn't and still don't want to do a thing. A nice hot shower sounds nice, but I don't want to make the EFFORT! I just want to continue to hug my pillow.
     Emotionally, I don't want to get into that. I am a wreck! Crying, frustrated, bitchy, and want to drive a truck through a wall!
  So Mother Nature has decided to start visiting me every month for FIVE to SEVEN days. I've already made a mental note of the date in my head. It isn't something I am likely to forget! Even if I am only getting just the CRAMPS shes made herself very clear. Your on your way ALICE, and this is just one of the reminder's of who you are!
  These are my UGH Journey's. Till next time......lets just leave it there for now.

In The Flesh! If you Please!

  So I felt inspired as I thought about past coming out conversations, to Blog about certain peoples reactions and sometimes STUPID or ABSURD comments LOL! Because lets face it we have heard them. I heard one once that went, in my opinion, beyond ridiculous.

  I was in the common room at my school, we called it the Gathering Area, and some friends were asking me about being Transgender. I didn't mind it being so public, after all I was OUT now. A "Know it All" at least he thinks he knows it all. Heard it and became shocked, amazed, and then curious about who I was! He started using outdated terminology. I corrected him, and told him the reasons behind it. He still used it, and when I and some of my friends confronted him. He stated that they were correct forms of description. I said read another book and you'll find out your wrong LOL! He has a hard time admitting he is wrong. Anyhow, he asked me about my brain and body etc etc etc. How it all fit in with what I was doing to myself. Now here's the KICKER LMAO! He actually made the suggestion of putting my brain in a ROBOTIC female body! That it was now possible. I now pause for your convulsive laughter to get under control.
  What would make him and people like him think that a robotic body would be the answer? That a metal machine full of motherboards,wires, and networks would be a sufficient replacement for flesh. For loosing a limb, helping people walk, maybe repair a damaged nervous system sure. But for Transgender in TRANSITION that is way too EXTREME in my belief. It is leaving a large part of you behind and isn't helping anything. Sigh.....
  Here I am raving about something that is so absurd and still FAR off lol. Becuase this guy prob read it in a SCFI magazine lol, or he read a part of what they doing in robotics and assumed beyond LMAO! Anyways this is one such instance where people have BOGGLED me with their stupidity.
  Till next time These are my Silly Journey's. Enjoy your own Wacky Adventures!

Visibly United

  Visibly United is a Group of People in the LGBTQ Community. Our Mission is to be a Visible but Peaceful Force in Declaration of our Equal Rights and in Support of one another. To become a stronger Community through Friendship. United We Are Visible!
  It's only been a couple days since we founded that group. Already new FRIENDS have been made. Already people are committed to making this work! I have a new purpose, a new motivation. I want to see this go somewhere! For us to succeed with the mission.
  The MISSION. There is so much more of it, at least the way I see it, than what is put down in the statement. Segregation isn't the answer INTEGRATION IS! I want it to go from yours and mine, to OURS! Not separate communities but one. Where at least we are all cordial to one another even if beliefs still clash. And they will cuse hey this is AMERICA!
  How do I see us doing this? By participating in things that affect us and them. Because hey we are still human too right. We aren't immune to disease or tragedy in our lives. I was thinking Cancer runs, and other awareness events. TOGETHER in our Visibly United T-shirts LOL!
  FRIENDSHIP! I want to get back to this. Utah has a unique LGBTQ community. We are a stronger network then most other states! I want to do OUTINGS as a group. Weather its Camp outs, picnics, hiking, "Tat parties lol", whatever it may be! I want to continue for us to be strong TOGETHER! This is what being Visibly Untied means.
 Perhaps as we integrate more and more into mainstream society we can achieve what we want most. Meanwhile we are here. We are Visible! We are UNITED!
Till next time.....Enjoy each others company!

A Letter To My Family: You've Hurt Me!

Dear Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Mother, and Grandmother,
     You've Hurt Me. Throughout the years since I was little. The minute nay the second you realized I was different from your own children. You've Hurt Me. With no Father to protect me from your cruelty and a weak Mother there was no one there for me, but Grandmother. Even Grandmother would do nothing to stop your snide remarks your cruel misgivings. She didn't want to upset the delicate balance of the Family which was and still is on the verge of being torn asunder.
  What Learning Disabilities, or any other Disabilities for that matter, were only made worse by your treatment. It is no wonder that Depression was aloud to set in at such a early age. As these Disabilities which were closely tied in with my Gender Identity took over my life and held me back.
  Held me back! In everything I wished and wanted to do! From sports, to arts, to school, and anything else I tried to set my mind to. The Depression you helped instill in my mind told me NO! With your voices behind it. Your voices that have always taunted me since and said No and I can't from the beginning. I tried to do these things to please you! If you can believe it? I wanted your smiles, your approval! I never received it. I was never encouraged. Grandmother tried and Mother liked what I did occasionally even a Uncle would once in a while say that was good., but it was never enough to lift me out of that Depression. Never enough to get though the Snide comments that would follow from the rest of you!
  Years have passed and I am now an Adult. You still continued, and I remained Depressed and held back. Then I woke up! I couldn't take it anymore not when I realized cousins who were younger than I were starting to do the same as you! Following your example.
  I had already started to shake off your yoke at this point. Finding my OWN music, my OWN clothes, my OWN hairstyle, and making my OWN decisions. So I had a confrontation with a Uncle who called me DIRT to my face and walked back into his house and lied to the rest of the family about it. Not even You Grandmother believed me, and when you finally did you made excuses for him.
  At another Family gathering after much time had passed between such cruelty. You all did it again while Grandmother wasn't there. For you had stopped doing it while she was around. I came to several revelations at this point. I had grown up. You all never will. And the other This Family is no longer for me. I can't remain within it and continue taking this.
  A few months later I made a life changing decision and started HRT to become a Woman. No to become the Woman I always was. The Depression I always had lifted from the first dose. I was free. Free of everything but of you. You all still hang over my head. And I began to wonder why? I realize now why.
  I am a victim of Emotional and Mental Abuse. My whole life I have suffered through it. I have always read about and seen Victims on the Television, but never thought I was one of them. I never thought I could be or would be! Instead of harboring more hate and harsh feelings towards you for this revelation. I realize you don't know you've done it or are doing it, and you never will.
  I'm leaving you now. I found a new family. They lift me up and don't throw me down. They encourage me, and don't become snide. They support me ALWAYS! I do the same for them.

                                                                           Signed, Alice Wright

Things That Are Different For $1000

  What is Me! Alex. I have noticed so many changes about me and not just physical. Emotionally and Mentally being I no longer respond as a man. And what I mean by when I say this is on a Pheromone and Hormonal level. An example lets go with CHOCOLATE!
  Oh yes Chocolate MMMmMmMMmmm! I have found it to provoke a sensual response at just the sight. As it sits there waiting for you to pick it up and draw it to your lips. Heat rises as you chew, and before you even swallow you already drawing another piece closer and closer to your waiting moist mouth! Anyone else hear bells?! I just ate some Chocolate covered Strawberries!
  Today I was at my Grandmothers and she said lean forward. I said WHAT! Was like uh oh what could it be? Right! She kept saying lean forward. So I hesitantly did. She said turn your face and close your eyes. Again I hesitantly did so. You have lovely eyelashes hun! I BLINKED what? That is all she wanted to say apparently. Sparking a conversation on eyelashes LOL! Apparently She and my Mother are jealous. because I have them and........THEY DON'T! I do have to say though it felt nice to be included in a conversation that they prob had similar with my Aunts and Cousins and other Women.
  Yesterday I spent a good portion at work crawling on my belly. BIG MISTAKE! See I had to crawl through a crawl space repeatedly to get under the stage to wire some lamps for the Miss Provo Pageant. I was sore before even more so afterwards! But being sore isn't what I wanted to bring up. I realized I need to be a little more aware of how I move. Sure some of it has come naturally but I've been FIGHTING it. Why? Because I'm still living as UGH Corey. 
  I love this new outlook on life! It's the part of me that has been missing all this time. At least a part of the part of me LOL! Anyways this is My Broader Outlook On Life. My Journeys. Till Next Time HUGS!

Pluck, Pluck, GOOSE!

  This Blog is gonna be all about HAIR! And I don't mean the Musical. For a Transgender in transition or even outside it! Hair is a burden and well, a BIG pain. There is so much to go through on this I don't know where to begin! I may even leave things out. If I do I just write another blog LOL.
   Let's start with the hair on the head shall we. Its the most visible after all. It seems most of us in Transition start to grow our hair out ASAP! It's one of those stigma's or beliefs that long hair makes you look or appear more feminine. I know with me I just wanted long hair! Ever since I saw Wayne's World and they head banged to Bohemian Rhapsody(Not the only reason) I wanted long hair. That and I am a METALHEAD! But those where just fancies and excuses I through out at others. I was covering up me. The real me.

  Anyways as we circle around from the top of the head we come to the face. YUCK! Its the facial hair. For a lot of us its number 1 on our hit list to GO! At least of the things we have control of. However Electrolysis isn't cheap nor is laser therapy. So some of us go PLUCK, PLUCK, and then we jump as if we been GOOSED! Because our nerves become shell shock and say NO MORE!
  As for other Hair along the rest of the body Chest, arms, and back. It reverts to a light finer hair. At least if we lucky and not SUPER HAIRY like SASQUATCH! Which is one of the reasons I am writing this blog. I guess I am lucky. The hair on my arms is thinning out and turning into that nice fine hair! It gives me hope for my chest. I really don't want to look like Harry Henderson.

  As for the legs most of us are content to continue to shave them. After all its part of being a Woman, and it isn't half as bad as shaving the face near a major artery LET ME TELL YOU!
 Well I am Alice, and these are my Hair-Brained Journey's! Till Next Time No Pain No Gain!

A Very Important Date

  Hey, Hey All! Its been a nice space of time since my last blog. At least a couple weeks! I SWEAR! So I guess I should update on whats what in my Transitional Life before I get to the topic of this blog. Hmmmmm where to begin?!
  Well, I am extremely thankful for my what are now, thanks to all the weight I've lost,  over sized baggy shirts. Do to the Breast growth I've had it getting very difficult to hide them at work. Even with the baggy shirts all they want to do is say "HELLO HERE WE ARE!" When I am not working the shirts do their job(most of the time). However I am saddened that It is even necessary.
  Speaking of Breast Growth. THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! Im still experiencing pain and soreness occasionally from the previous spurt. Now however The itching has started up again! So soon? Its as if my body is trying to play catch up or something. Perhaps my body is as eager as I am to just be me! Perhaps its making up for a mistake that was made and is correcting what it can of the past *cough29cough years. Which brings me to the main subject of this blog.
  On July 21, some of the gals and I are going shopping. It will be my first time out as Alice EVER! It is a Alice Coming out Shopping Spree Day. To get clothes, to have support, and be ME! A whole day in SLC just us girls.
  Now I had set a date to go full time by the end of the year. I knew that that time was fast approaching and needed to happen for me to continue to be happy and at peace with myself. Other reasons as well but those are two amongst the most important.
  As I thought more and more about this "Shopping Spree" I came to realized this is a perfect opportunity being handed to me. July 21st will be the day Corey falls down the Rabbit Hole only to poke his head out once in a blue moon. While Alice Steps out of the Looking Glass and takes over her life! FINALLY!
  Yes in just under 2 months I am going FULL-TIME! I am taking the next step in my transition. Since Corey wont step aside I'll just push em, and let em fall! Wonderland is MINE! This is MY LIFE! MY JOURNEY'S! Till Next Time. Peace be with you.