So....I've been on this diet since October. Let's just say Ive been eating a lot of Chef salads. Lost around 70 pounds! I'm excited. With this weight loss much has changed. I love change! Man-boobs fading disappearing, and my gut is starting to dissipate. I feel GREAT! In fact I have so much energy because of this diet. I'm even more active and loosing more weight and feeling GREATER! I get a job. I get friends. I get a life. I get HRT!
Hormones. I love the sound of that word. Its like butter! So smooth and creamy, sensual in a way even when you think of it that way =P. Hehe! But like butter its a ingredient to turn one thing into something else. For me, a Woman. Now I mentioned in a previous blog that I wasn't holding my breath for genetics to be on my side. However! It seems they are. Ever since I started Hormones two months ago changes have happened. Subtle at first but now they are starting to scream at me, and I don't know how much longer it will be before "they" start screaming at the world.
Shall I stop tiptoeing around the subject at hand? Or shall I dangle the worm on the hook a little longer? Okay okay! I cant contain it anymore anyways. My BREASTS are developing! Did I say that too loud? I'm sure my weight is a contributing factor. However genetics plays a significant role as well. Lets just say I know the family history.
So here I am finally Blossoming! No longer a bud. But this bud has a new set of problem. That she is scrambling to overcome. That however is a subject for another Blog. Till then, I am Alice. I am becoming me, and these are my Journey's! Till Next Time Be True to Yourself.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
They Finally Get a Clue!
These past two weeks have been hell. Its mostly my fault though. I can admit that. You see I had no way to get to the Pharmacy to get more or my Seizure meds. So I tried to stretch out what little of them I had. BIG MISTAKE. First came the withdrawal headaches and bloodshot eyes, but that was childsplay compared to what came next. But first some background history.
Before I ever had my first seizure. I would have unpleasant moments of Deja Vu. Anxiety quickly attached itself to such episodes and i would Zone out withdrawing from the world. Only coming back when people would shake me or say my name. Ive since learned these are Acute Anxiety Blackouts. The next step 7 years ago after all these I would have a seizure.
Now as my med levels began to get low all those symptoms minus the seizures returned and in full force! Two weeks of pure hell! My mother even took me to the ER after she and I thought I seized. I had a melt down as she drove me. Docs determined it was nothing more then Major Acute Anxiety and gave me Lorazapam to help curb the attacks until my med levels returned to normal. It has helped though i am experiencing lot of energy and hyper activity. That may not be to the medication though.
Now heres the kicker! You see I had alot of follow up appointments after that ER with Doctors and such. And it being my Grandmother and Mother didn't know I was on Hormones I had to tell them so someone knew. Since they would be the ones telling the Hospital staff. Especially since I was blacking out alot still. They took it somewhat well. The common response was, "Why are you taking those?" I told them because that was the point I was at. My mother even tried blaming my currant predicament on the hormones! Even though she being a RN knew better. LOL. They still wont talk about it other than my Grandmother saying I support you in your decisions. Than no support comes. Ah well I knew it would be like this and I am ready for whatever may come next. I am just glad I don't have to hide from the family I am closest to that I am on Estrogen anymore! Ive been out a while to them both though and they still try to hide from it lol. Well anyhow I AM ALICE! These are my Journey's. Frightening as they are. Until next time. Do not hide from yours but Enjoy your travels!
Before I ever had my first seizure. I would have unpleasant moments of Deja Vu. Anxiety quickly attached itself to such episodes and i would Zone out withdrawing from the world. Only coming back when people would shake me or say my name. Ive since learned these are Acute Anxiety Blackouts. The next step 7 years ago after all these I would have a seizure.
Now as my med levels began to get low all those symptoms minus the seizures returned and in full force! Two weeks of pure hell! My mother even took me to the ER after she and I thought I seized. I had a melt down as she drove me. Docs determined it was nothing more then Major Acute Anxiety and gave me Lorazapam to help curb the attacks until my med levels returned to normal. It has helped though i am experiencing lot of energy and hyper activity. That may not be to the medication though.
Now heres the kicker! You see I had alot of follow up appointments after that ER with Doctors and such. And it being my Grandmother and Mother didn't know I was on Hormones I had to tell them so someone knew. Since they would be the ones telling the Hospital staff. Especially since I was blacking out alot still. They took it somewhat well. The common response was, "Why are you taking those?" I told them because that was the point I was at. My mother even tried blaming my currant predicament on the hormones! Even though she being a RN knew better. LOL. They still wont talk about it other than my Grandmother saying I support you in your decisions. Than no support comes. Ah well I knew it would be like this and I am ready for whatever may come next. I am just glad I don't have to hide from the family I am closest to that I am on Estrogen anymore! Ive been out a while to them both though and they still try to hide from it lol. Well anyhow I AM ALICE! These are my Journey's. Frightening as they are. Until next time. Do not hide from yours but Enjoy your travels!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
A Budding Flower
That's what I feel like and how I see myself right now. Little over a month on Hormones and certain things are already becoming noticeably less or more. Mostly they are only known to me. Such as facial hair thinning out a bit. At least enough for me to get the closest shaves I've ever had! However even with these slight changes I WANT MORE! NOW!
*cough* Sorry I don't know where that came from. Even though its true. I am tired of being a Bud. I want to Blossom! I know patience is a virtue, but I am in short supply. Finally after all these years I am on Hormones, my body can begin to change. But why does it have to take so long?! I want to be able to present myself as me, and I've never been able to do that before.
So what do I want? I want my breasts to develop. My facial features to become more rounded and feminine. Heck I might even get hips finally!*crosses fingers* I want to be able to dress and shop as the woman I know that I am. "Dresses, I love to wear dresses!" Even though I have yet to dress up as me in public or even in private. I think that's what I really want. Just for it all to be over or nearly so. That way when I dress up and say Hi I'm Alice. I will pass as me. Yes that's what I want. To pass as me!
To be able to walk down a street, or into a store, or a friends home as Alice. No more a bud but finally a blossom showing everyone who I really am. Unfortunately I have to wait. Who knows though I may get Lucky and be one of the small percentages who develop faster than others due to genetics. I'm not holding my breath though.
So here I am a Bud. Waiting for the Winter of my existence to end, and its Spring to begin. These are my ravings. I mean Journeys! Till next time, LATERS!
*cough* Sorry I don't know where that came from. Even though its true. I am tired of being a Bud. I want to Blossom! I know patience is a virtue, but I am in short supply. Finally after all these years I am on Hormones, my body can begin to change. But why does it have to take so long?! I want to be able to present myself as me, and I've never been able to do that before.
So what do I want? I want my breasts to develop. My facial features to become more rounded and feminine. Heck I might even get hips finally!*crosses fingers* I want to be able to dress and shop as the woman I know that I am. "Dresses, I love to wear dresses!" Even though I have yet to dress up as me in public or even in private. I think that's what I really want. Just for it all to be over or nearly so. That way when I dress up and say Hi I'm Alice. I will pass as me. Yes that's what I want. To pass as me!
To be able to walk down a street, or into a store, or a friends home as Alice. No more a bud but finally a blossom showing everyone who I really am. Unfortunately I have to wait. Who knows though I may get Lucky and be one of the small percentages who develop faster than others due to genetics. I'm not holding my breath though.
So here I am a Bud. Waiting for the Winter of my existence to end, and its Spring to begin. These are my ravings. I mean Journeys! Till next time, LATERS!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Brief Life History
It's funny. When you hear someone say in a movie or in everyday life something like, "Get in touch with your feminine side." I can't help but stop, think, and shake my head. If they only knew. Sometimes I draw attention to myself by giving a short laugh or a giggle as my thoughts continue along those lines. Getting in touch with my feminine side was never the issue at hand!
The issue was keeping it contained, and oh I tried to keep it prisoner. Throughout my entire life there were periods of struggle I can remember concerning this very issue. From when I was a little toddler all the way till now. And oh how I was rebuked by family, put down, even yelled at if I persisted. That was when I was younger, perhaps between three to seven. As I grew older my family became more active in the church. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) I think more to curb certain behaviors within me than any position on faith at the time. However their efforts were futile, for I moved to Washington State when I was Eleven. I came into contact of all sorts of new concepts while living there. Concepts that I maintain today.
It was living in Washington that I had a Dream. A dream that was trying to tell me something. That I was different. Puberty had hit and I was uncomfortable with who I was becoming. Didn't seem right. Within the dream It felt right. I knew it was right. A couple years passed before I actually stumbled upon the word, Transgender.
I had always thought I was alone, a freak, and that I was going to burn in Hell, or to use another term dissipate into Outer Darkness. AOL was big at the time and there was a online community, this was before Youtube and other such sites. I was in the chat rooms often and using the message boards soaking up everything I could about being "Transgender". I had found others, I wasn't a freak.
At the age of fifteen I moved back to Utah. Family felt it was best that I come to live with my Aunt, Uncle, and seven cousins. This was a time in my life where the decision to attend church or ditch. Wasn't mine. I didn't really mind it all that much, but I still felt out of place. That something was wrong.
By the time I was Seventeen I was living back with my mother. She had moved back to Utah to find work and be closer to family. Two years latter I told my mother who I knew myself to be. It didn't go over well. for my Grandmother was at my house the next morning to "talk" about the issue. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to them again about it. Though I didn't need to rely on them. I was at Job Corps and was out to friends who accepted that about me.
Skip ahead over the next ten years and here it what you have. Bishops offices and family telling me it is wrong and a sin. Being thrust into those offices time and again to talk to the bishop at request of certain family members. It was no picnic. I even relented and became a good Mormon "boy". Getting the Higher priesthood and everything.
Now I find myself finally living towards my true self. The future is mine! My family, my church, and their beliefs have no hold on me anymore. No influence. I am becoming the true me! Finally. These are my Journeys and I shall continue onward. Till next time Pleasant Travels.
The issue was keeping it contained, and oh I tried to keep it prisoner. Throughout my entire life there were periods of struggle I can remember concerning this very issue. From when I was a little toddler all the way till now. And oh how I was rebuked by family, put down, even yelled at if I persisted. That was when I was younger, perhaps between three to seven. As I grew older my family became more active in the church. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) I think more to curb certain behaviors within me than any position on faith at the time. However their efforts were futile, for I moved to Washington State when I was Eleven. I came into contact of all sorts of new concepts while living there. Concepts that I maintain today.
It was living in Washington that I had a Dream. A dream that was trying to tell me something. That I was different. Puberty had hit and I was uncomfortable with who I was becoming. Didn't seem right. Within the dream It felt right. I knew it was right. A couple years passed before I actually stumbled upon the word, Transgender.
I had always thought I was alone, a freak, and that I was going to burn in Hell, or to use another term dissipate into Outer Darkness. AOL was big at the time and there was a online community, this was before Youtube and other such sites. I was in the chat rooms often and using the message boards soaking up everything I could about being "Transgender". I had found others, I wasn't a freak.
At the age of fifteen I moved back to Utah. Family felt it was best that I come to live with my Aunt, Uncle, and seven cousins. This was a time in my life where the decision to attend church or ditch. Wasn't mine. I didn't really mind it all that much, but I still felt out of place. That something was wrong.
By the time I was Seventeen I was living back with my mother. She had moved back to Utah to find work and be closer to family. Two years latter I told my mother who I knew myself to be. It didn't go over well. for my Grandmother was at my house the next morning to "talk" about the issue. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to them again about it. Though I didn't need to rely on them. I was at Job Corps and was out to friends who accepted that about me.
Skip ahead over the next ten years and here it what you have. Bishops offices and family telling me it is wrong and a sin. Being thrust into those offices time and again to talk to the bishop at request of certain family members. It was no picnic. I even relented and became a good Mormon "boy". Getting the Higher priesthood and everything.
Now I find myself finally living towards my true self. The future is mine! My family, my church, and their beliefs have no hold on me anymore. No influence. I am becoming the true me! Finally. These are my Journeys and I shall continue onward. Till next time Pleasant Travels.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Boy in a Dress?
It's been awhile since I last blogged, and I really haven't felt the need to until tonight. Its been three weeks now since I've started Estrogen. YAY! I haven't really noticed any significant changes. However today when I shaved. I managed to get the closest shave than I ever had before! Minus the first few times during puberty. Apparently the Hormones are thinning out my facial hair already. Though it will take Laser treatments to get rid of it permanently.
Last week a M-F Woman was in a local DMV and was harassed by its staff. They denied the incident. However I am acquainted with people who have talked with the victim and seen the footage. It did take place. There was harassment involved. In my Transgender Support Group this evening we talked about this and other related incidents others have had. It made me think. Am I going though all this just to appear as a boy in a dress later on? But than that's not why I am doing this in the first place. I am not becoming a girl to look "pretty". I am becoming a girl because it is me!
Since I have started Estrogen and the Testosterone Blockers, the Depression I have had my whole life, "and I am not exaggerating that," is gone! For three weeks now I have been depression free verses the twenty nine years that it has stalked and haunted me! I know that this is right for me. The depression leaving had to be some sort of sign. Whether or not my family will see it that way, eh I doubt it. Anyhow This is me and these are my Journeys. Till next time, Safe Travels!
Last week a M-F Woman was in a local DMV and was harassed by its staff. They denied the incident. However I am acquainted with people who have talked with the victim and seen the footage. It did take place. There was harassment involved. In my Transgender Support Group this evening we talked about this and other related incidents others have had. It made me think. Am I going though all this just to appear as a boy in a dress later on? But than that's not why I am doing this in the first place. I am not becoming a girl to look "pretty". I am becoming a girl because it is me!
Since I have started Estrogen and the Testosterone Blockers, the Depression I have had my whole life, "and I am not exaggerating that," is gone! For three weeks now I have been depression free verses the twenty nine years that it has stalked and haunted me! I know that this is right for me. The depression leaving had to be some sort of sign. Whether or not my family will see it that way, eh I doubt it. Anyhow This is me and these are my Journeys. Till next time, Safe Travels!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Doctor, The Pills, The Journey
So yesterday I finally had my second appointment with Dr. Riley. I received my lab results which were better than good she said. My kidney's my thyroid my liver everything! So than we can to the dreaded part, The strip for the physical! That was soon over and she went and wrote me my Prescriptions. Asking all the while if i had any questions or concerns. I did ask and have a couple. Which I addressed and received a moderate response that at least eased them. With my appointment over I head down to the first floor with my Prescriptions Note in hand to the little Pharmacy in St Marks Hospital. Hoping they would have what I needed, and I wouldn't have to find a Smiths or Cosco. They did! ESTROGEN WAS MINE! Sorry for the interruption of my running dialog I just grew overexcited. Buying some Baby Aspirin to help prevent blood clots, stroke and other problems. I took TRAX to the Pride Center and hung out all day. Now and then touching the bottle of pills in my coat pocket. It's still unbelievable that I have finally arrived at this point! It's very exciting. I lost more sleep than usual. I kept waking up in the night know what was awaiting for me in the morning.
This Morning, I woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off. After repeatedly waking up throughout the night. I was done. Doing what I needed to do I headed over to my desk where I had set the two bottles of Estrogen and Blockers. Following directions, and its always important to follow directions. I took my very first dose! I FEEL GREAT!!! Better than great, though I don't believe there is a word to describe just how I am doing right now. It's like I am floating on a cloud. Almost. That isn't quite it either! I just know for the first time in a while I am not feeling depression. That is new for me!
So here I am now In a different mood traveling a different path than many. It may be a bit more scenic hard to transverse at times, but I am going to continue on down it! I know I am not the only traveler upon it. I am Alice.This is my Journey! I hope yours are Pleasant.
This Morning, I woke up an hour before my alarm was set to go off. After repeatedly waking up throughout the night. I was done. Doing what I needed to do I headed over to my desk where I had set the two bottles of Estrogen and Blockers. Following directions, and its always important to follow directions. I took my very first dose! I FEEL GREAT!!! Better than great, though I don't believe there is a word to describe just how I am doing right now. It's like I am floating on a cloud. Almost. That isn't quite it either! I just know for the first time in a while I am not feeling depression. That is new for me!
So here I am now In a different mood traveling a different path than many. It may be a bit more scenic hard to transverse at times, but I am going to continue on down it! I know I am not the only traveler upon it. I am Alice.This is my Journey! I hope yours are Pleasant.
Friday, February 25, 2011
My First Appointment with Dr. Riley
So Wednesday I had my first Physicians appointment that I needed to do. In order to get on HRT. (Hormone Replacement Therapy) I walked fourteen blocks form the Trax station all the way up to Saint Marks Hospital to see Dr Nicola Riley. A very eccentric lady to say the least, or perhaps loopy is a better term. I love her! I filled out a lot of paper work, and I mean a lot. She then sat down with me and talked a little bit about how and when I knew I was Transgender. She is a very considerate doctor, and seems to look after her patients. For instance I was told the previous day by the billing office it would be One hundred and eighty dollars for my visit. As I don't have insurance. They failed to tell me that because I would be paying cash I would get a discount. I only payed One hundred and thirty five! That and it would cover next weeks visit as well. She also took the elevator all way down to the labs where she sent me to get my blood drawn. Just to give me my Drivers licence back that was left in her office two floors up. Most would just call you and have you come back. Her actions showed me she truly cares about her patients.
So she had my blood drawn and tested. Looking at Kidney function too see if my body can handle the hormones. They are also testing my Thyroid and to see if I have Diabetes or Hepatitis. So far it all looks good. I get the results next Thursday when I see her again. That and I have to strip for a physical! But heres the kicker. I will also get my prescription for Estrogen and Testosterone blockers!!! I am getting closer and closer to my Dream of finally being me! And it is happening faster and faster. I CANT WAIT! But I have to. Till next time I am Alice. These are my Journeys. I hope yours are pleasant and enjoyable.
So she had my blood drawn and tested. Looking at Kidney function too see if my body can handle the hormones. They are also testing my Thyroid and to see if I have Diabetes or Hepatitis. So far it all looks good. I get the results next Thursday when I see her again. That and I have to strip for a physical! But heres the kicker. I will also get my prescription for Estrogen and Testosterone blockers!!! I am getting closer and closer to my Dream of finally being me! And it is happening faster and faster. I CANT WAIT! But I have to. Till next time I am Alice. These are my Journeys. I hope yours are pleasant and enjoyable.
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